I hate this time of year.
It’s the time of year when you KNOW that all of your teachers had a secret meeting in the dead of night where they made sure all of your projects, tests, presentations, assignments—whatever type of academic torture they could come up with—all happen at the same time.
Even though our Goshen College profs have been scientifically proven to be the best people in the entire world, at the end of the year you just have to ask: why? Like, could you just trust me when I say that I have learned something and then not ask me to regurgitate all of that information in a test?
It’s almost as if our teachers don’t trust that we were listening in class and learning a lot while we were multitasking and stalking random people on Facebook.
Well, in any case the torture is inevitable, so here are some ideas on how to beat their master plan to ruin your GPA and get A’s on everything anyway.
1. Binge drink [coffee].
2. Binge drink [tea].
3. Throw unbreakable (or breakable, I guess) things around your room as a healthy outlet for stress. Just give your roommate a heads up so they can duck for cover.
4. Block out very important time in your day to do very unimportant things. I’m sorry Dan Smith, but I simply cannot finish this chemistry assignment right now because I have a date with New Girl that I simply cannot cancel.
5. Stress bake. At least then your procrastination is slightly productive because you get to apologize to your friends for being gone all the time with cookies.
6. Buy a whole new pack of value underwear so that you don’t have to do your laundry until winter break. Unless you have body odor. Then, for the sake of everyone, do your laundry.
7. DO NOT DO HOMEWORK ON THANKSGIVING. Keep the holiday celebrating the mass genocide of Native Americans sacred, okay?
8. Remember that thing called sleep? It’s pretty great, if you have forgotten… (cough, cough, first-years, cough).
9. I don’t know the date of Snack Attack and I’m too lazy to look it up but GO TO IT. Get there early. Camp out the day before. Take all the chocolate strawberries before anyone else can.
10. Remember that grades do not reflect how good of an athlete, musician, friend, pizza eater, or whatever-you-do-in-your-spare-time-er you are…although they may say a thing or two about your procrastinating abilities.
Best of luck out there in the real world, you academic warriors!