Much to the chagrin of people who hate happiness, sunshine, and baby animals, it’s hard to ignore that spring is actually happening. Temperatures are rising, as are people’s hemlines. Everyone is ridiculously happy, or just plain ridiculous as is the case of David Jantz who insists on wearing swim trunks and flip flops in radical defiance of winter, or maybe just in preparation for the hourly swims he takes while trying to navigate the campus sidewalks. People can hardly take their pants off fast enough. (And replace them with shorts.)
But not everyone approves. What could this (far-from) shocking liberalization of the campus mean? It’s a slippery slope: first barren legs, and then what, something crazy like an equal and fair hiring policy? The change in attire threatens to scandalize the Goshen community, and not just because everyone’s legs are as bright as the snow was and as patchy as the grass underneath.
I even heard a rumor that I just made up, that donors have threatened to withdraw their funds from Goshen College if they heard about any ankle-displays. Because really, how can good leg-fearing pants-wearers be expected to inhabit the same institution with people who flagrantly disregard the tradition of pants wearing? We all know God wore long black pants held up by suspenders, after all. But we must tell those nude naysayers we’ve had enough.
Sure, we’ve all been that person yearning for spring, so we don our shorts proudly, even on a cloudy day and have people tell us that “the climate just isn’t right” for our attire change. But I’m here to tell you, although I’m lacking 1800 cranes, or a watch for that matter, the Time is Now! It’s 50 degrees, warmer than some people’s hearts, yes, but short-wearing weather is here!
To the pant-wearers’ insistent claim that showing naked legs is wrong and unnatural (Adam and Eve, not naked Adam and naked Eve…oh wait), Keith Graber Miller, long-time advocate and ally of shorts-wearers everywhere, teaches us in Human Sexuality that everyone is naked underneath our clothes.
All people should be able to wear shorts openly on campus, not just at home with their families. But am I just going to wait around until the heat of summer when I’m vacationing in Kansas City to wear my shorts? No! I’ve m(ass)-ordered 100 pairs of purple booty shorts for my new movement that say, “Wear my SHORTS!” I have not been able to find anyone to wear them, so they stay hidden in my closet.