How to survive College
All right, First Years… you’ve survived your first week without helpful advice from me. But fear no more -helpful advice has arrived! College will be a breeze now that you have this handy, gluten-free, biodegradable guide on how to survive college. Here are my 10 tips:
1. College is not for homework, college is for fun. If a teacher gives you homework, the only logical thing to do is to not attend class in protest and picket the teacher’s home with angry signs.
2. Going to bed before 3 A.M. is for nerds. Even if you have nothing to do, stay up until at least 5:30 so you can brag to your friends how terrible you feel and how much you hate your life. They’ll respect you for it.
3. Living with a roommate is a struggle for power. Establish your power by never emptying the trash or leaving your dirty dishes on their desk.
4. Spitballs are still as awesome as they were when you were seven. So are burping the ABCs and Nintendo.
5. If you hide from your homework it will eventually go away and leave you alone.
6. Your Goshen ID is basically a credit card! It guarantees food, access to Chapels and is totally usable at just about every store in the United States.
7. Things work strangely at Goshen. You should be into a ton of really uncool things (Justin Bieber, Legos, Walmart, Bagels) as long as you like them to be ironic.
8. People often love musicians. Find the loudest instrument you can find (pennywhistle, trumpet, accordion, bagpipe, or yelling rhythmically) and share your music with as many people as possible. If people bang on your wall, this signifies applause and means you should play louder.
9. People at GC love foot massages. Offer a foot massage to every person you meet. In fact, people love them so much that you probably don’t even need to ask if they want one and can just start giving them one when you’re introduced.
10. When you see a professor outside a classroom, it is considered rude if you do not bow. If Jim Brenneman walks by, you must moonwalk, recite a poem, rub your head, pat your belly at the same time and then wash his jacket. I usually try to avoid Jim Brenneman on busy days.