Well, people, I have come to the realizaion that the funnies page is, in fact, too big. I mean, with how serious the world is, I don’t see how we can, in good conscience, devote an entire page to amusement. LOMGS (that stands for Like Oh My Gosh Seriously), life is too short to be funny anyway, and on top of all that, I am a very serious person. I really have no idea why Chase asked me to be a funnies editor (Andrew was a good choice, but me? LOMGS!), but here I am. I suppose I might as well make the best of it.
By the best of it, I mean transform part of the funnies page. I am proposing—and since I am the editor, me proposing means too bad for you because you don’t get a say—a weekly column where I (call me big-headed if you want) talk about travel. I mean for real, we don’t have a travel page, and being a college full of GCGCs (that stands for Goshen College Global Citizens), we need more emphasis on the fantastic far-reaching foreign countries like Texas, Alaska, and Germany.
Seeing as how I have never been to Texas or Alaska, I plan on focusing all of my forthcoming Travel Articles (from here on called TAs) on Germany, where I have traveled. For those of you who don’t know, I spent approximately three months, one day, five hours, seven minutes, and twenty-six seconds (give or take a tenth of a second or so) this summer on the last Goshen College SST to Germany. Es ist traurig. For those of you who don’t speak Deutsch, that means “It is traurig,” and also, Deutsch is German for . . . well, German.
Now, many of you supportive readers might be thinking, “Oh dear! How dull my life will be with fewer funnies!” But don’t be led astray! Some day—maybe even soon!—we may need to actually know about a nation other than our own. For instance, with Sweden trying to conquer us by implanting the idea of universal health care into our president’s brain, we need to start compiling knowledge of the strategies of other nations! I am offering you a head start on the competition; by really knowing about another country and understanding its people, we may be able to stave off this battle of minds that is infecting our country!
Okay, enough of the scare tactic. LOMGS, what’s with that darned H1N1 (from here on called Swine Flu) thing infecting people? I don’t need to terrify you by giving you actual facts. Now that we have gotten that all straightened out, I just want to warn you one last time: all of the events that will be in the following TAs are based on at least 24% fact, and real events actually took place to inspire them. In a nutshell, that means that they are 100% serious and will not be funny at all.