The ultimate guide to choosing your two friends

The ultimate guide to choosing your two friends

I’m sure many of us expected our college years to be full of socializing and friends and parties and good times. 

It seems we were very wrong. 

Don’t get me wrong, college is so much more than a giant glorified social gathering. Obviously learning happens here too – at least in some capacity. But one of the most important facets of college life is undeniably the whole *friendship* thing. 

College campuses are designed for connection. Students live together in dorms, eat together, study together, practically even shower together sometimes. All of the cozy spaces on campus encourage group study sessions and collaboration, making college the ultimate place for building community. 

Unfortunately, the universe decided to smite our social plans this year with the pesky little coronavirus. A little rude if you ask me. 

I think many people truly believed that we would be able to pull off the semester, business as usual, without a COVID-19 outbreak, as long as we just wore masks and washed our hands and followed the Big Four. 

But the Big Four weren’t big enough, and now there are 24 infected students, 4 infected employees and 68 people in quarantine. 

In response, the administration has taken some bold moves, most notably, telling us we can only have two friends. 

“Two friends?!” You might say, “How are we supposed to have only two friends in college?” 

Let me tell you how. 

You might feel compelled to make this decision emotionally. You might want to choose your best friend or your significant other. This would be a terrible decision, and I would not recommend it. 

In dire times like these, we must think logically. Choosing the ones you love to be your two friends might seem like a smart decision, but what will you do when you are in desperate need and your chosen partners cannot help you? 

Choose your two friends based on pure friendship, and you will probably end up failing all of your classes and starving to death. 

So here’s what you should do: Your first choice is what we will call your academic support friend. Take your hardest class, then pick the smartest person in that class, and voila! You have your first friend! 

(Of course, this smart person, whoever they are, might not agree to this, because what can you offer them in return? Money. You can offer them money. And if you don’t have money, try offering them anything else valuable you might have. And if you have nothing valuable? Well honey, then you’d better have a killer personality.) 

Your next choice is what we shall call your intestinal support friend, or the person who will feed you during the cold winter months. Objectively take stock of all the people you know, and ask yourself one simple question: “Who has the best snacks?” 

You might love your boyfriend, but if he doesn’t feed you, he doesn’t make the cut. Sorry. 

It might feel harsh, but I guarantee that with this foolproof formula you will finish the school year strong, with good grades and a happy tummy. 

After all, isn’t that what life is about? 

I’m sure you see now why we cannot take this decision lightly and just let our hearts decide. 

Our hearts simply don’t know.

And maybe together (NOT PHYSICALLY OF COURSE, DON’T REPORT ME) we can actually beat this thing? 

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Written by Greta Klassen, Copy Desk Chief

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