Kenwood House 2020: A new housing experience

Kenwood House 2020: A new housing experience

Okay, time for some real talk. You know what’s kind of basic? Living in the dorms. Or the apartments. Or intentional living communities. Or off-campus. It’s all been done before. I don’t know about you all, but I don’t want to be just another normie who does what everyone else has done. I want to be an innovator, a creator, a revolutionary!!! That’s why I, Greta Klassen, am recommending to all my friends Kenwood House, freshly rebranded in 2020 as GC’s very own COVID-19 isolation chamber!!  

By choosing to live in Kenwood, you will experience something no other college student has experienced before. Not only will your body be infected with the lovely COVID-19, but you will be all alone or with other sick people in a house that generally has good vibes, but could very quickly turn into the setting for a horror film.

I can see it now; It is early October, and there are eight sick students at Kenwood quarantining together. The house is filled with the scents and the sounds of COVID-19, including but not limited to: coughing, vomit, diarrhea and overall misery. The lights are hardly ever turned on. Do they even have working bulbs? Nobody knows. The students suffer together, and when their two week quarantine is over, they emerge from Kenwood, like butterflies leaving their cocoons. 

Upon emerging, their surroundings are unfamiliar. To their dismay and alarm, it appears that Goshen as they remember it no longer exists. In fact, it appears that they are on a bleak rocky surface with no trees or cars or people or blue sky and…wait a minute…are they ……on the moon? Has Kenwood been a secret spaceship this whole time?? 

Oh my goodness. Of course Kenwood was a spaceship. It makes so much sense. So what, the sick students are on the moon now? Do they even have spacesuits? Wait – it appears they don’t even need spacesuits!! Somehow, COVID-19 changed their DNA and made it possible for them to breathe in space without oxygen!! 

Science is amazing. Somebody should tell the CDC. 

At this point, the students are feeling pretty excited about their future on the moon. Of course there is the one guy crying in a crater because he misses his Earthling girlfriend. I’m sure he’ll forget all about her soon, the minute he meets his first moon lady.

Oh yeah, did I mention that there are moon ladies? Yup. No men, just ladies. Don’t ask me how they reproduce, because I have no idea. Like I said earlier, science is amazing. 

Anyway, the students create a moon colony. They meet the moon ladies, who are very welcoming. They learn to speak the ancient language of Stardust. It is beautiful. They live forever. They watch as the world is destroyed by climate change, and they laugh. 

“We really dodged a bullet there,” they say, while sipping on delicious glasses of warm moon milk. They spend their days doing moon agriculture and their nights dancing moon dances. It is paradise. 

And this, my friends, is what could happen to you if you choose to live in Kenwood house. Need I say more? It’s 2020. Stop being basic, go live in Kenwood! 

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Written by Greta Klassen, Funnies Editor

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