Aries – Aries signs rejoice! You share a star sign with mythical Goshen College professor Paul Keim. The spirit of Paul is with you this week, bringing +10 skill points in any ancient language learning pursuits.
Taurus – As the Moon enters Virgo, you may find yourself becoming sick. No longer able to attend class, you spend the next 24 hours only watching a popular Netflix show and eating smuggled beans and rice from the Rott.
Gemini – Geminis tend to be savvy in financial matters. Unfortunately, this is not true for this week. Many Geminis may arrive at Java to try the bubble tea only to discover they are out of munch money, tragically.
Cancer – Cancers tend to have lofty goals and experience chronic tallness. To ground themselves throughout this week, Cancers may consider putting Crocs on their knees and shuffling around to understand the ordinary world better.
Leo – This week, Leos are prone to experiencing asthma symptoms. If this occurs, Leos will likely be told by medical professionals that they must use a bright purple spacer (a plastic tube attached to an inhaler) called the OptiChamber Diamond. This will make Leos feel like a child, but, hey, at least they’ll be able to breathe.
Virgo – Magnificent energy strikes you today. Take advantage of the sun shining down on you. If you do, you may find yourself not having to lie on your wellness plan this week.
Libra – You will have a day today.
Scorpio – Misfortune shines down on the Scorpios today. You will realize that you forgot to forward that chain email from eight years ago and suddenly may find a creepy woman dressed in all black at the end of your bed.
Sagittarius – This week, you find yourself with a lot of extra time on your hands. Using this time, you may discover that PETA has a vegan diet tailored to each zodiac sign. In the next week, be sure to eat only potatoes, olives, and garlic.
Capricorn – Upon rising in the morning, Capricorns will come to the conclusion that it is, in fact, morning. Throughout the day, they will continue to experience all that comes with life. Finally, at the end of the day, Capricorns will use their clearheadedness to realize that it is evening.
Aquarius – Aquarius, luck is not on your side this week. The north star is in retrograde, which bodes poorly for chapel attendance. Beware not to arrive late; if you do, you can be sure this is the one time that they will swipe at the beginning.
Pisces – Be careful that you don’t get caught in the heat of the moment during romantic encounters. Otherwise, you may find yourself pretending to go into anaphylactic shock when your love interest offers you a granola bar. Pisces may then find themselves having to stop a call to 911. However, if this situation occurs, do not despair, it will likely lead to an eight-month-long relationship.