Last Wednesday, I thought my life was going to be changed forever. As I sat at the Leaf Raker, aimlessly scrolling through my social media, I received a Facebook message from a woman who introduced herself as a producer for a “premier television production company.”
She informed me that she was casting international students studying in America for a documentary series on the network that brought us the likes of “Jersey Shore” and “Teen Mom” — MTV. She wanted me to apply for the show.
Now I know what you’re all thinking: scam! But you are mistaken, my cynical and envious friends. After a swift background check that included a LinkedIn stalking, I realized that she was no “Catfish” (see what I did there?).
My time had FINALLY come. MTV wanted me. All those year 9 (10th grade) Spanish lessons that I’d spent signing the back of my peers’ books with my signature, for “when I’m famous,” would finally be worth it. I was about to break through in America.
I’d managed to weasel my way to the front of the camera back in 2017 when the women’s soccer team appeared on the “Price is Right.” And now I was going to be the star of the show.
I instantly messaged the producer back and declared my interest. Then, I eagerly waited for her to respond and inform me of the next steps that I would need to take.
Her name appeared on my phone. I opened it up, wondering if I should be the one organizing this or if I should now be advertising for an assistant. But before I could finish contemplating my dilemma, the bombshell hit. You had to be part of a couple.
My claim to fame was about to be compromised. I can handle the third-wheeling that comes with the single life, but I draw the line when it begins to affect my celebrity status. So the only logical solution I can think of is to fake a relationship.
This leads me to you, the people of Goshen College. Please help in assisting my pursuit to Hollywood by applying to be the Kanye to my Kim, the salt to my pepper, the fish to my chips. I just need one lucky soul to act as my significant other to fulfill my celebrity destiny.
Not only will you also achieve fame, but you’ll get to date the best thing to come out of the U.K. since “Love Island.” Do you love to be insulted? Hear dramatic sobs during sad movie scenes? Have a morbid sense of humor? Then I’m the girl for you.
Who knows where this partnership could lead? First stop, MTV. Next stop…world domination!
Please send your applications to firstname.lastname@example.org. If you are successful, you will progress to a one-on-one interview and be provided with my life’s story to study. Good luck.