Wondering where the safest place on campus is for a late-night meet up? Look no more.
The new LED light, located across from “The Broken Shield” (otherwise known as the big, red waffle fry located in the middle of campus), provides the perfect meeting spot.
Like a second sun, its glow lights up half the campus.
There, you will fear no shadowy figures.
Late-night Taco Bell delivery from GrubHub? Don’t meet him at your apartment. Meet him under the LED light.
Illicit chicken tender trade-off? The LED light will make sure you can see Chef Jeremy coming.
Or maybe you like to dress up in fedora and trench coat like me for extensive photo shoots.
Got a hot Tinder date? The warmth the LED exudes will be enough to keep you and your date warm all night long, baby.
Olivia Smucker, arts editor, said that she loves to charge her Ouji board by the LED lights. But mind you: only glow-in-the-dark Ouji boards are powered by LED lights. Don’t have a Ouji board? Surely crystals could also be charged by the LED light.
Lonely? The LED light is place to make friends! And by friends I mean the shadow puppets you create yourself.
Frustrated that you’re not allowed to have toasters in the dorms? Throw some pieces of bread at the light.
When they come back down, they’ll be nice and toasty. Just add avocado and you got yourself a millennial treat!
The Record can neither confirm nor deny the existence of vampires, but we can tell you it’s a guaranteed way to protect yourself just in case.
How can we tell? Well…when taking the photo, we discovered that staring at it is just as painful as staring at the sun.
Its brightness is roughly between 100 watts and the sun.
You know what that means? You can stay tan all year long, even during the winter months!
While others grow pale in the Indiana winter, you can maintain your lovely-hued skin.
Of course, you can only tan where the light reaches you. Please have some decorum.
This is still a Christian campus, people.
And if you don’t want that sweet LED tan? I’m afraid you’ll need to wear sunscreen year-round — or avoid passing by it.
But given how brightly that lamp shines, I’m not sure it’s possible.
Let us know how you benefit from the new LED lights.