This weekend, I get to return to the place from which I appropriated my nickname.
Ahhh, that heart-shaped landmass on the shores of verdant Lake Erie (it’s green because excessive cow crap fertilizes the algae). The home of both LeBron James and eight of the most forgettable presidents. There are corn and cows, a state university that’s pretentious enough to put a “the” in front of its name, and the prison where “Shawshank Redemption” was shot.
Ohio has literally got it all.
I am returning to Ohio to celebrate the most epic holiday of all time: Easter April Fools Sunday. How could you possibly pull the most irrelevant pranks and observe the resurrection of Jesus without hanging out with your family in the light of an Ohio sunrise? (North-western Ohio has the best sunrises and sunsets because we don’t have any of those ridiculous mountains or hills obstructing our view.)
I can only imagine what this holiday has in store for me. I could crack open a dyed egg to find that it wasn’t boiled. Somebody could tell me “Cheese-us has risen!” and I would have to respond “Cheese-us has risen indeed!”
Okay, maybe there aren’t that many Easter-related pranks, and maybe I’m a heretic to try and think of any.
I am convinced though that Jesus had a good sense of humor. I mean in the gospel of Lukewarm, he said, “If you have faith but the size of a Buckeye…” Or wait does that come from the Ohio State webpage?
If I find out this weekend there are any good Easter pranks or that Jesus has a sense of humor or that Ohio really isn’t that much cooler than Indiana, I’ll get back to you all because I’m sure you’re dying to know.