Hello, fellow Earth dwellers! There is no great way to break the news to you, but I will be the new funnies editor. However, likely not forever because I feel like I just accepted the job as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I don’t really know how I got here. Well, actually, I do know how I got here: I walked into my room and sat down at my computer. I don’t understand how I got here. I wrote one funnies article revealing my defective self-editing skills. Now joke’s on me because here I am with “editor” by my name like Marshmallow Mateys put into a Lucky Charms box.
Fortunately, you will not have to read articles written by me each week because my main job is convincing others to write articles. Writers don’t have to be accomplished, have a stand-up comedy career or be related to a Mennonite in any way. I, as well as the world, need people who are brave enough to write down what makes them laugh and share it. Don’t worry; I was trained at a high-security institution for this job. I am equipped with extensive skills to hunt you down. If you have an article, or just a funny picture, please email it to me or slide it under the Kulp south door. However, I would not use snail mail. The resurgence of longboards has been crushing all the snails.
The benefits of writing an article are that I will love you (platonically, calm down!), you’ll get another result when you search your name on Google and your mother will be proud. She will find out. For the past seven years, my mom gets notified if my name appears anywhere on the Internet, just in case I’m murdered, arrested or outed as a long-lost Kardashian sister. It is my understanding that now this technology is microchipped into all mothers’ brains.
Now, to the fresh-people surviving their first semester, I leave you with this advice. One: Becoming Snapchat friends is not a good way to pretend to have friends. You will have friends when you stop pretending to have them. Two: Unfortunately, there is a secret tunnel connecting the bathrooms in the dorms, allowing every word to be heard throughout all floors. On the bright side, you can hear every word throughout all the floors. And finally, three: Vote. That one is not a joke.