Turning heads as you walk through campus? Being asked for hugs and long walks along the Millrace? The public life of the popular seems glamorous and desirable for many of us, but only attainable by a handful of people.
Lucky for you, I am one of those select few and am here to share some of my indelible words of wisdom and instruction.
1. Become a part of orchestra’s most talented section.
That’s right, you guessed it! The trumpet section! If you play trumpet, you automatically exude confidence and good looks; just look at the trumpet section, featuring the two greatest people on campus: Funnies co-editor Leah Landes and myself. Not to mention you get a prime location to watch Vince Kurtz’s every move.
2. Be mysterious.
When people ask who you are and you tell them and they respond with “who?” you know you have done your job right (also, that person is probably an owl because they are talking to you and thus should have at least some understanding of who you are). If Nancy Drew has taught us anything, it’s that mystery leads to fame, especially among the fifth grade population. Also, try to be awkward all the time. It has worked well for me.
3. Become good friends with Sadie Gustafson-Zook.
As someone who has appeared in countless PR photos throughout campus, if you hang around Sadie for at least an hour a day every day, your chances of getting your face plastered on Instagram, Facebook, or Goshen College’s website will increase dramatically.*
4. Build a talent.
Some people are good at piano, while others excel at their multiplication tables. I’m good at dancing (see Youtube for reference). Find your own niche and master it.
5. Find a cool posse.
If high school has taught you anything about being popular, it’s that you need to have a cool posse with you at all times, and I don’t mean the Insane Clown Posse. This is why I try to spend as much time as possible with the people of Howell. Just kidding! Howell sucks!
6. Be funny.
This one is hard to do, but is perfect when done right (e.g. this article). You need to find your inner comedian and laugh at the things you might not want to laugh at, like people slipping on black ice, dropping their food in the Rott, peeing in the apartment elevator, and the list goes on.
7. Play sports.
It’s common sense: if you play sports, you are well known. Just look at some of our generation’s most beloved athletes, like Peyton Favre and Michael Vick. Join an intramural team and relish in the fun you are having, even if you put precious time into practicing and never win a single game of volleyball, let alone a match (this is just an example, not real life. Obviously).
Well, that’s about it. If you still don’t know how to be popular, you are hopeless.
* This was actually somewhat ineffective since the marketing department cropped me out of their latest promotional photo of us frolicking in the leaves last fall. I can only assume they did so because they were worried my dashingly good looks would deter uglier people from applying.