Have you been enjoying the abnormally warm temperatures and sunny days this fall?
Do you find yourself wishing that winter would just stay away forever?
Well, two unlikely GC students (names discretely mentioned above) have decided to run an independent campaign appropriately named “Summer4Eva.”
We believe that you, too, deserve to have summer as long as you want and have the power to make this a reality. (And you’re already on the right track!)
If you would like to see the warm weather continue forever, consider following one or more of the actions outlined below:
1. Buy all your groceries, apparel, electronics, etc. from large corporations like Walmart. And if you buy something you don’t like, burn it!
2. Support big fracking companies.
3. Burn your recycling—fire is fun! Watch your #2 plastics just disappear into thin air!
4. Steal all the bikes on campus (you’re so good at that already!) and destroy them.
5. Get your campaign-sponsored Hummer and drive it everywhere—it will make you feel even more awesome.
6. Cover up all the windows in your house with cheap Justin Bieber posters and use lots and lots of incandescent light bulbs instead.
7. If the weather starts getting too hot, blast the air conditioner all day!
8. Stop using your silly iPad and go back to printing—print everything you can. You know you have too much print money.
9. Convince Phys Plant to purchase a few more big yellow lawnmowers that spew black smoke into the air.
10. Take way too much food at the Rott and then “forget” to put it into composting.
11. Switch to a processed-meats-only diet. Invite your friends to your barbecues and cook outs!
12. Eliminate all porous surfaces possible. Turn KMY lawn into a giant hot cement roller skating rink.
13. Transform Witmer Woods into an indoor water park (until it gets warm enough to build an outdoor one).
We know that this list may seem daunting at first, but we’ve seen many contributions to this campaign already!
By committing your time and effort to this brilliant campaign, you can enjoy the fun of Summer4Eva all year long.
Don’t you wish you could show off a year-round summer glow? Don’t you want to wear your worn out SST Chacos every day? Do you think winter is the curse of the devil?
Well, we promise that by supporting this campaign, your winterless dream can become a reality. Say goodbye to snow and hello to Summer4Eva. Donate now.