Wanted: boyfriend

Brianne Brenneman

Contributing Writer

bfbrenneman@goshen.edu

Men of Goshen College fail to self-select.  Photo contributed by Brianne Brenneman.

Men of Goshen College fail to self-select.
Photo contributed by Brianne Brenneman.

So if you haven’t heard…I’m single. But apparently (according to Leah’s article on “How to get a Boyfriend”) I have nothing to fear because my next boyfriend is just a few easy steps away.

What Leah failed to mention, though, is how to choose who you will stalk day and night in hopes of falling in love.

Unfortunately, I just don’t have time to be out searching for a new boyfriend since I’m in biochemistry this year. So, young men of Goshen College, can you self-select and contact me if you meet ALL of my requirements?

Anyone who knows me knows that I am super low maintenance and not picky at all.

So I got to thinking; what qualities am I looking for in a boyfriend? It’s got to be a short list because, you know, I said I’m not picky or high maintenance.

1. Funny enough that I will have better abs just from spending time together

2. Semi-athletic (can play at least 7 different sports)

3. Can invest in stocks and not lose $3,000 in a week like I did

4. Likes music and will harmonize along to the instrumental parts of songs
with me

5. Doesn’t complain even when Goshen is buried under fifty feet of snow with -40°F wind-chill

6. Classy enough to have 10 p.m. tea time…but not with me…I’ve already got my drinking buddies

7. Will buy me a Ghirardelli Intense Dark Sea Salt Soirée bar (priced at $2.68 on Amazon) on a regular basis but will not buy me other presents except on my birthday and Christmas

8. Can give me a run for my money at Dutch Blitz and/or Trouble but will ultimately lose

9. Is as hot as the hot sauce I got my photograph taken with at the Leaf Raker (check out AVI’s Facebook page)

10. Is cool with me dancing in public even though I have no rhythm (contact Joelle Friesen for failed body roll videos)

11. Compliments my buns (hair, of course)

12. Doesn’t care that my favorite sweatshirt during the winter is a gray pullover from Wal-Mart, despite the fact that I am scared to wear an outfit twice during any other season

13. Encompasses all five core values or can at least name them

14. Knows how to grill—which was actually the deal-breaker in my last relationship

15. Compliments me on my handwriting like John Ross Buschert did in physics class

16. Will give me bilingual children

17. Will be the driver during road trips because I once ran into the back of a school bus

18. Understands why I love kittens but hates cats and will laugh when I meow (which is always)

19. Will cross 7 states and traverse a volcano with me to get ice cream even though I’m lactose intolerant

20. Will watch football with me and not get annoyed when I ask questions every 3-5 seconds (what actually is a fumble rooski?)

21. Has at some point received an anonymous 3-word note from me

22. NO CARGO SHORTS, like who needs that many pockets?

23. Will buy and install a new battery for my watch because it says that it’s perpetually 9:53

24. Will argue with me but then give in

25. Most importantly: appreciates my brevity

Record
Record
Written by Record

No comments yet.

No one have left a comment for this post yet!

<