“A” is for allergies

By David Jantz

Funnies Editor

dljantz@goshen.edu

Junior David Jantz is blown backward by the force of saying his name.

Junior David Jantz is blown backward by the force of saying his name. Photo by Laura Miller.

This is the unfiltered, unedited text of my upcoming children’s book[1], and you, privileged readers, have the opportunity to get a sneak preview! To get the full experience, it is imperative that you read this article in a voice like you would to a child. Out loud.

There once was a young man who was allergic to something. But not just anything. No, this boy had a very unique condition. In fact, he had something that no one else in the world had ever had. This special, special boy was allergic to saying the letter “d.” Now, ordinarily, one could perhaps work around this kind of situation. He was, after all, a rather bright and resourceful child. But the boy just kept running into a particular obstacle that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get around it. You see, this boy was named David.

Day in and day out, he struggled bravely through his condition. But try as he might, the dreaded, dastardly letter was nigh impossible to avoid. On the first day of school the class learned each other’s names. He stood proudly from his desk, only to manage a “Da-ACHOO!-vid.” And from then on, his classmates knew him as ‘Dachoovid.’

Tongue twisters, too, offered a challenge. “Hey Dachoovid!” his friends would excitedly ask. “Can you say, ‘Dusty doctors double dutch during Dad’s doodle day’?” “No,” he replied grumpily. “Also, that d-ACHOO-oesn’t make sense.”

Day in and day out, poor David dealt with his condition, enduring the discomfort of constant sneezing and a limited vocabulary. On through elementary, middle, and high school he passed, always with the same problem.

But one day, he had an idea. “Why not,” he thought, “simply eliminate the annoying letter from my name entirely?” (By this time, he was quite practiced at thinking without words with the letter D). So that’s what he did. Explaining the whole thing to the legal officials was a tad bit complicated, of course, especially with all the sneezing throughout, but in the end he did it. Proud and bold on his new ID read the name “Avi.”

Young Avi felt so liberated, and so proud of his new name he decided to start a company and put his name in the title. Soon after he changed his name, AVI Foodsystems was born. The company was wildly successful, and went on to serve delicious victuals to establishments such as Goshen College. And Avi lived happily ever after, at least until he realized that ‘Foodsystems’ has a “d” in it.

[1] This is a lie.

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