Time Management: A Scientific Approach

Time Management: A Scientific Approach

Maria Jantz

Funnies Editor

mkjantz@goshen.edu

 

It’s a veritable homework cornucopia around here. Any part of your life that is not essential, like eating and sleeping, is about to become a distant memory unless you take drastic action.

Here on the funnies page, we are nothing if not committed to our readership, so I am here today to provide you with some handy time management tips.

Or to put it another way: Time flies. Fortunately, I am here to stop it with a handy dose of FlyNap®.

As I was researching this funnies article—because as I’m sure you’ve noticed, all of my articles are exhaustively researched—I came across this handy and wisdom-filled quote about time management:

“Before you eat the elephant, make sure you know what parts you want to eat.” – Todd Stocker.

Yep. Absolutely. As your finals week comes up, make sure you know what parts of the elephant are tastiest, that’s what I always say.

Of course, that is not the only strategy for surviving finals week. In an effort to fit more than 24 hours in a day, I propose that we have daylight-saving time again, maybe even twice a day, throughout finals week. If we “fall back” enough, someone will catch us eventually. (I think that’s how a trust fall works.)

Because it is fashionable to relate your life to that which you are studying, I suggest that you relate sleep deprivation to all of your papers. A couple of examples from my (real!) papers include “I, like the early Anabaptists, undergo trials and tribulations, such as sleep deprivation and, in their cases, torture,” and “An Otto cycle engine will sleep an isothermal expansion and then it will sleep an isobaric sleep.”

Fortunately, it takes at least three days without sleep before most people are at risk of hallucinations, but after only one all-nighter some are susceptible to spontaneous hymn-singing.

It is necessary, therefore, to have a couple of shortcuts to impressing your professors, so that you can write your paper faster and take some naps. (Like the flies.) One handy tip: use “therefore” approximately every other sentence. Also, use the word “approximately” instead of “about,” and sprinkle a light dusting of Latin words across your masterpiece. For a final touch, try citing Wikipedia.

I suppose a final shortcut is helpful: Don’t write about your shortcuts in the newspaper, or your professors will be suspicious.

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