I am here writing in the funnies (I guess I’m actually in my room) because your beloved funnies editor David Jantz asked me a couple weeks ago if I would write a funnies article. Being the helpful, happy-go-lucky, never-recognize-a-trap-when-I-see-it kind of guy that I am, I readily agreed.
“You mean, like, right now?” I asked, reaching for the paper and pen that I always keep in my pocket.
“No, I’ll tell you when I need you to write one and then you’ll have a deadline,” he explained.
A deadline? This sounded like work already. The good news was that I had, probably, a couple months until he would ask me. I could be thinking of dozens of topics by then, writing drafts for all of them and choosing three or four to polish. Then, when the time came, I would send him all of the choices about a week in advance and he could just pick the one he hated the least and print it. Perfect!
But it was not so. With a mere week before the deadline, I am reduced to writing the entire thing at the last minute and if you read further you’ll discover that I don’t actually have a topic.
I must help you, dearest reader, to avoid the perils of agreeing to write a funnies article. The following are some warning signs that someone with a last name rhyming with “Schmantz” is desperate to claim more victims under the ruse of making students chuckle:
• Your neighbor/funnies editor often complains loudly about the lack of contributing writers
• They whisper jokes into your ear while you sleep
• You can’t actually sleep because of the panicked sobbing coming from next door
• One of them asks you to
• Even Petey Biddle was asked to write an article
• Just kidding! They’d never go that far!
• You catch them asking squirrels to write for the funnies
• They say things like, “Hey, you’re a funny person…” or, like what happened to me, “Hey, you look funny!” or even, “Hey! That’s a funny looking knife… What are you–aargh!”
Remember, when a funnies editor walks by, always lock your door, glue your window shut and cover your smoke detector with a wet sock. Umm, sorry, scratch that last one… Anyway, I guess, in the end, it’s worth the $75 they pay for funnies articles!*
*Editor’s note: This is a lie.