By: Reuben Ng
Before we get too far into this article, I feel it my duty to inform you, the esteemed reader, that I have actually very little idea what I am writing about. Do stick with me, however. There will no doubt be some way to keep things interesting.
First, I suppose he should switch into the third person. Not only will this give Funnies Editor Reuben Ng the apparent credibility of another party writing on his behalf about his inability to write, but it also gives some credence to the title of this particular piece.
On first consideration of the Funnies topic for this week, Ng assumed he would write a non-stereotypical piece on some holidays related topic. For example he deeply contemplated the worst possible Christmas decorations, the most horrid of holiday sweaters, or perhaps a brief discourse on the controversial topic of fruitcake as food or fiasco (Ng actually enjoys a good piece of the dense stuff). But for unexplained reasons, Ng was not completely satisfied with these options.
Next he considered the various other sources of amusement in his life (apart from his life itself). The on-going episode of his mailbox presented itself as somewhat appealing. In past years Ng had a mailbox in the Union that opened with a key – in his words, it was “a walk in the park…I would stroll in there, see there was no mail and leave.” He continued, “I never get mail…” But in the event that there was mail (the occasional thrill of a Convo/Chapel schedule, or the exhilarating once-a-semester bill), he could open it in a heartbeat.
Yet this year, fate dealt Ng a miserable combination lock mailbox. To add insult to injury the mailbox is so low it practically requires getting down on one’s stomach to make out what numbers are being put in. This all of course is not to mention the fact that some wise guy evidently got their left and other left confused when designing the locks and made every single one completely reversed. The end result: Ng opened his mailbox once this semester more as a challenge than anything else. He hasn’t touched it since.
While an exciting topic, Ng still had doubts about how he could condense such a complex and wide-reaching issue as this into a simple, small-scale article.
Then there of course was the matter of Ng’s meal plan. Ng started off the semester strong. For about a month Ng was not seen in or near the campus dining facilities. The cause of this was the brilliant execution of a cunning culinary stratagem. With the 80 meal block plan, Ng calculated the point in the semester when he could begin using his meals and would safely have one meal every day right through the end of the semester. Unfortunately tragedy struck. This Monday, Ng inquired about how many meals he had left. The count? About 21. In response to this figure: “uh oh.” To use all these meals, Ng will have to average over 3 meals a day. This is not to mention his difficulties in the area of Munch money, which still is solidly in the three digit range.
Ng toyed with some other options mostly starting from catchy headlines. Horses, mammals or not? Nope. Planets, why do they have to be so big? No. Twenty-six things I love about swamps. Definitely not. Twenty-eight things I love about swamps. Probably not. Living with a yeti. Didn’t even happen. Loch Ness monster fan fiction. No comment. I found these sunglasses in Chicago last summer. Terrible. How to know what time it is in 19 easy steps. What.
In the end, Ng gave up. There was no silver bullet for this one; sometimes the best decision is to not make one. This is probably the strongest example of how badly astray reasoning like that can lead. He finally switched back to first person which I now admit was another pretty useless idea. And I suppose I should conclude this with the classic “best of luck on your finals” sentiment followed up with wishing everyone “an excellent winter break, Christmas, New Year’s, and all that.” So I did.