Pandemic alert: seniors come down with contagious disease

By Mike “Zehr Bear” Zehr, Contributing Writer

Here’s a clue: it rhymes with gingivitis.

No, it’s not tendinitis, although it is equally as potent. You’re close if you guessed Bettywhitis, the very rare syndrome that causes elderly women to become hilarious and never die (look it up). What is this deadly disease doomed to desolate dozens of dashing, soon-to-be-departing, young Goshen College students, the very one that makes professors’ blood boil and underclassmen soil themselves? Maybe you figured out already that, yes, Goshen College has been overrun with cases of SENIORITIS.

According to statistics from the Wellness Center (you know, the one that doesn’t really exist anymore), 68.9 percent of GC seniors have already developed slight cases, or show strong signs of developing senioritis with almost two whole months of school left. That number alone is an alarming figure, but what the statistics fail to mention is that the other 31.1 percent of seniors not accounted for actually have such strong cases of senioritis that they even failed to respond to the surveys handed out in senior seminar classes across campus. So if you’re a senior and you didn’t even realize there was a survey, may your God and/or idols show favor on you.

Luckily, the GC Wellness Center has commissioned me, your faithful Funnies contributing author, to get the word out in an effort to prevent this pandemic from getting any worse. They’ve supplied me with a list of symptoms that all seniors should use to evaluate themselves. Be advised that any underclassmen reading this who may suspect themselves of having senioritis are to immediately have themselves examined by a medical professional, or perhaps the nearest pre-med student.

Symptoms include but are not limited to:

  • Making snow forts instead of doing homework
  • Pretending it is still spring break instead of doing homework
  • Playing Ms. Pac Man or other video games instead of doing homework
  • Hanging out in Java but not doing homework
  • Mackin’ with your significant other while pretending to do homework
  • Being a part-time student
  • Taking multiple naps per day
  • Pulling an all nighter while doing basically anything but your homework
  • Just hanging in the library
  • Skipping chapel, but not to do homework
  • Using the phrase, “school sucks, fun always”
  • Not finishing anything you star…
Written by johnm68

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