Perfecting the art of passive-aggressiveness

By Jon Hershberger, Funnies Writer

Although passive-aggressiveness may or may not have been labeled as the “pacifist plague” by many powerful people, I have chosen to fully embrace this aspect of my Swiss-German Mennonite heritage. Often characterized by an implicit statement within a question/action, passive-aggressiveness can be a useful tool in many situations. Naming all the different styles and levels of passive-aggressivity is not within the scope of this article, but it is important to note that each individual must find their unique p-a style.

My personal favorite is the “passive-corrective.” This is suitable in almost any situation and is meant to show one’s mental prowess – in a humble manner, of course. The key to perfecting this technique lies in mastering the innocent “it’s only a question” look. Once perfected, feel free to dole out mental beat-downs at will; e.g., “oh wait, is it called Westlawn dining hall? I always thought it was the Rott.”

Another widely used passive-aggressive style is the “passive-insult.” The passive-insult is the cornerstone for any healthy relationship; it allows you to vent frustration while still protecting the other’s feelings. If you’re smart, the technique for the passive-insult is quite straightforward. One must simply disguise a total diss within a question or by using a statement of fake praise. E.g: “Have you been working out recently?” Implication: “It looks like you’ve stopped working out.”

Finally, passive-aggressive actions can be incredibly rewarding. Telling someone that you like them and would like to go on a date with them can be awkward, especially if they say no. That’s why I opt for the passive-aggressive way of asking girls on dates. Chances are if I break into your room and steal all your stuff, I probably have a huge crush on you.

Passive-aggressiveness often gets a bad rap for no reason. I urge each and every one of you to find your own way of not saying what you really mean. Take it from me, it makes life much easier.

Written by johnm68

No comments yet.

No one have left a comment for this post yet!