The Internet is destroying me!

by Jacob Landis-Eigsti

I have a very busy semester going on.  I know you do not want to hear me complain about the 18,000 things I must do in the next day and a half, but needless to say, every hour of every day for the next four years is already taken up.

I would perhaps be able to almost complete everything, if it were not for a little thing called the Internet.  One of the main problems I face is that the majority of my homework requires both a computer and the Internet this semester.  The Internet has become far too good at linking from boring stuff (research) to awesome stuff (a monkey playing the banjo).

No matter how hard I try to stare blankly at my boring homework pages, the call of much more interesting sites is ever-constant…ringing in my ears.  It’s like the call of the sirens: once it’s heard, it’s all over.

The biggest problem with the Internet is it has small doses of entertainment.  I would never feel I had time to watch a movie, but it is easy to take a break with one episode of the Daily Show or one video of someone playing guitar hero with their teeth.  Unfortunately, you will quickly realize there is a whole week’s worth of new Daily Show episodes and 12,000 awesome videos of people playing guitar hero with their teeth.

How is it even possible to write an English paper when in five seconds you can literally be watching a video that you’ve wanted to see your entire life but just didn’t know it?  The desire to write a comprehensible paper is destroyed by the desire to see if anyone liked the hilarious status you posted five minutes ago.   C’mon people, it was a good status update!

Luckily I am here to tell you that there is still hope: by ignoring the Internet and focusing hard on studies…I’m just messing with you.  There is no escape from the Internet.  It sees you when you’re sleeping…it knows when you’re awake.

I had an unfortunate encounter this week where as soon as I thought of something I really wanted to look up, my computer turned on by itself.  At 3 in the morning…no joke.  Like a hypnotized zombie, I stumbled over to my computer and looked up the capital of Iceland–for two hours.

My computer hates me.  It is on a path of destruction and I am defenseless.  The Internet will never stop and will most likely destroy productivity forever and ever.  Before long the Internet will become so entertaining that we will never leave.  I would finish writing this article, but the Internet is calling me.  It would be rude not to answer.

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