As Spring Break 2011 approaches, many Goshen College students are excitedly awaiting Friday to head south and east to the land of gators, sunshine and old people. However, these stubborn, politically incorrect and sometimes racist senior citizens are not looking forward to students’ arrivals.
“Spring breakers are the worst,” says Harry Allen of Sarasota – a curmudgeon since the age of 62. “They come in here, make a bunch of noise, hooting and hollering, just running around around like a bunch of animals. It really throws off my napping schedule.” Yoder mentioned that he might plan on staying inland, because “the kids tend to stick to the water.”
In order to avoid awkward encounters and to promote an overall level of peace during your visit, the funnies page has a few tips to buy a little bit of goodwill during your week stay with the elderly.
1.) Pack your cardigans. Yes I know it is going to be in the low 80s – you all have already posted it all over your Facebook walls and statuses – but this sweater with buttons is fun for people of all ages. Perhaps a conversation can start over this versatile fashion piece.
2.) Don’t be afraid to drop a little sir and ma’am every now and then. Older folks go nuts for this.
3.) Always carry a Werther’s in your pocket. Hard candies are good to have in general, but there is a certain mystique to the gold wrapper. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Well, the way to a senior’s heart is through a bag of Werther’s Originals.
This is a short, abridged list – there are other things one could do to extend the warm hand of friendship to the cold, wrinkly hand of wisdom. I’d be glad to share the full list. There is a lot to be learned from our AARP toting, Bengay applying, shuffleboard playing friends – worthy of respect and worthy of our time.
(Ed. note: Was this offensive? Did I make too many generalizations? Do you love the elderly? I do too! Any angry responses letters can be sent here: firstname.lastname@example.org)