10 Simple Rules for Goshen-Dating Each Other

I know how it is: as soon as you try and talk to someone you are interested in, you pee your pants or jump out the nearest window.  However, after you read these tips, you’ll be able to talk to people you’re interested in with your eyes closed and your hands tied behind your back.  They may look at you strange, but they will be impressed.

1.  People show interest in two ways: by flaring their nostrils and by trying to lick their nose.  When you are around someone you’re interested in, do these things over and over so that they can tell you are interested.

2.  Never show you’re interested.  People find it unattractive to have others interested in you; as soon as they find out there are mutual feelings the interest is lost and gone forever.  Being mean to people, avoiding them and putting a snake in their laundry signifies disinterest which they will find SUPER hot.

3.  Suit up.

4.  Disguises are important for starting to date someone.  That way if you fail once, you can try again as a new, more suave identity.

5.  Relax about asking them on a date, because in Goshen chances are your first 20 dates will be bogus dates (like sitting and talking or playing ping-pong).  It will be at least two months before you need to ask them out on a date that sounds like or closely resembles a real date.

6.  Let it be known that you are looking for a relationship.  Send out mass campus mail romantic letters, put a want ad in any newspaper you can find, and start a Facebook group devoted to your singleness.

7.  Broody, emotionless, and distant is now super attractive.  Frown constantly and ignore everyone.

8.  Constantly carry a supply of pencils, otherwise the person may ask you for a pencil in class and you may not have one, which may in fact ruin your entire future.  I recommend carrying a six to seven dozen just to be safe (even if you don’t have a class with them).

9.  Hire some violinists to serenade both of you.  Your Rott dates will be so much more romantic.

10.  Sit down on a connector sofa and do not leave until your soul mate comes.  Have your friends bring you food in case your soul mate is running a few days, months or years late.

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Written by Jacob Landis-Eigsti

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