Cross Country team 'terrorized' by roving band of squirrels

By Daniel Penner

Goshen, IN – It seemed like any other practice to Goshen sophomore Nick Handrich, when a “fishy” line of acorn crumbs scattered across the trail caught his eye.  What happened next can only be described as horrific. Dozens of squirrels came flying down from a nearby elk on and landed on top of the sophomore and two teammates, biting, scratching and in one case depantsing Junior David Horst.  “Words cannot begin express the carnage that we saw on Tuesday,” said the Dalton, Ohio native.  “But maybe this six-inch scar on my upper thigh can.”  Seventh year head coach Doug Yoder was shocked and appalled by the incident saying that he’s had run-ins with squirrels before, calling them, among other things, “little Satan spawns,” and commented further that he had never seen anything this quite like this before.

Possible theories on why these squirrels attacked range from a diminishing acorn supply in the greater Goshen area, to rabies, to possibly, and quite frankly most likely, a retaliatory act to Coach Yoder’s recent admission that he enjoys “a good cup a squirrel stew in the colder months.” Local squirrels were unavailable for comment.

It is unknown whether or not these “fur-covered hate balls” will strike again, but Goshen runners are encouraged not to run in heavily wooded areas alone.

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Written by Laura Schlabach

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