Your September Horoscope

Aries: Mar 21-Apr 19: Today is, without a doubt, going to be the worst day of your entire life.

Taurus Apr 20-May 20:  Someone you care about and respect will comment on your dental hygiene today.

Gemini May 21-June 21:  You’re going to fall in love again.  Warn your boyfriend/girlfriend/roommate…they’re not going to be happy.

Cancer Jun 22-July 22: Your ability to pat your head and rub your stomach will come in handy when a authority figure will demand that you do so before a crowd of angry people.

Leo July 23-Aug 22:  Your goal of eating an entire jar of peanut butter in one sitting shall finally be achieved.  It will be a bittersweet moment.

Virgo Aug 23-Sept 22:  Your suspicion that your roommate is secretly a vampire shall be confirmed.

Libra Sept 23-Oct 23:  You will get a test back and find that you received a very good grade…or a very bad grade…or a very mediocre grade.

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 21:  You will have a traumatizing interaction with a squirrel that will scar you for life.

Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21:  You will win kickoff.  Goshen College will then do an investigation to discover why 104 people won first place at kickoff.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19:  A long lost friend will reappear to you online.  You will befriend them on the facebook and then never talk to them again.

Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18:  You will discover that bacon and applesauce do actually taste sort of delicious together.

Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20:  Sorry Pisces, the stars have nothing interesting to say to you this month.

Written by Jacob Landis-Eigsti

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