Aries: Mar 21-Apr 19: Today is, without a doubt, going to be the worst day of your entire life.
Taurus Apr 20-May 20: Someone you care about and respect will comment on your dental hygiene today.
Gemini May 21-June 21: You’re going to fall in love again. Warn your boyfriend/girlfriend/roommate…they’re not going to be happy.
Cancer Jun 22-July 22: Your ability to pat your head and rub your stomach will come in handy when a authority figure will demand that you do so before a crowd of angry people.
Leo July 23-Aug 22: Your goal of eating an entire jar of peanut butter in one sitting shall finally be achieved. It will be a bittersweet moment.
Virgo Aug 23-Sept 22: Your suspicion that your roommate is secretly a vampire shall be confirmed.
Libra Sept 23-Oct 23: You will get a test back and find that you received a very good grade…or a very bad grade…or a very mediocre grade.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 21: You will have a traumatizing interaction with a squirrel that will scar you for life.
Sagittarius Nov 22-Dec 21: You will win kickoff. Goshen College will then do an investigation to discover why 104 people won first place at kickoff.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 19: A long lost friend will reappear to you online. You will befriend them on the facebook and then never talk to them again.
Aquarius Jan 20-Feb 18: You will discover that bacon and applesauce do actually taste sort of delicious together.
Pisces Feb 19-Mar 20: Sorry Pisces, the stars have nothing interesting to say to you this month.