Wow, this is the last Record of the year…crazy! I know many of you, like myself will look for summer jobs so you can go from being poor college students eating Ramen noodles for every meal, to moderately poor college students eating Ramen and Pop-tarts. In this economy, it is important to know how to have a good job interview, so without further ado, my 15 tips for having a great job interview.
1. Dress up. You should show up looking really nice, preferably in the outfit that you wore to prom.
2. It is important to make eye contact. If you want a truly great interview, never break eye contact with your interviewer. Think of your interview as a 20-minute staring contest with your interviewer. The best part is your eyes will be teary, and then it will look like you are passionate about what you are talking about.
3. Confidence is key. You need to show you are strong and assertive. Do not take a seat when they offer for you to sit. If you are standing and your interviewer is sitting you will seem taller and more powerful.
4. Use power gestures. Make enormous powerful motions with your hands. It shows you are engaged and makes it seem like you know what you are talking about.
5. Yell. It is important to maintain control of the conversation, and what better way to do this than to yell.
6. Whisper. If you answer questions inaudibly you can’t answer them wrong, right?
7. Recite poetry. Lines from “Romeo and Juliet” are ideal.
8. Wear a disguise: a mask or wig and/or fake facial hair will do fine. It is also important to disguise your voice. That way, if you mess up, or the interview does not go well, you can always give it a couple more shots.
9. Compliment your interviewer constantly. If they ask for your strengths talk about their strengths. This will make them like you. However, if you only compliment them, this may make them a little too happy. Insult them on occasion to make them feel insecure and sad, and make them wonder why they are your boss and not the other way around.
10. If they ask for your weaknesses, just use this as a way to say more strengths about yourself. You could say, “Well, I’m just too hard of a worker,” or “I’m just too awesome.” You could talk about how you have so many achievements your trophy table has become too full, or how other people are intimidated by your excellence.
11. I would not condone bribery. Wouldn’t that be a coincidence though, if a $50 bill somehow magically falls out of your wallet and lands in your hand right before you shook hands with your interviewer?
12. Answer questions with questions. This will confuse and intimidate the interviewer, and they will be working to impress you rather than the other way around.
13. Laugh at everything your interviewer says. No exceptions.
14. Everyone likes music and everyone likes food. Make your interviewer a cake and a mixed tape and bring them both to your interview.
15. Photoshop a picture of you and your interviewer shaking hands, and then present them with this picture. This will make them think that the two of you used to be friends, and feel guilty that they have forgotten you. Spend the interview discussing how the two of you were best of friends.