Goshen College Prepares for Blood Drive After Troubles Last Year

By Jacob Landis-Eigsti and Aaron Kaufmann

After troubles with vampires at last years’ blood drive, Goshen College is implementing new precautions.  For instance, the college is placing crosses on the chairs in hopes to burn the flesh of vampires parading as students.  Blood Drive Nurses are required to spray every student with Holy Water before they give blood.  Tamara Shantz, campus pastor stated, “it’s been a hectic time around here.  I’ve been blessing water 24/7 for the last couple days.”  Some of the ministry leaders were almost recruited to help with this process, but it was decided they were not far enough along in their studies to provide effective aid.

The Rott is also serving more and more garlic in their food this week.  On Friday, the day of the drive, the chefs will prepare meals of nothing but garlic.  The college has stated that it finds the safety of its students more important than smelling absolutely terrible and not being able to find anyone who will agree to kiss you (shoot! right smack dab during the sunny week too!).

The school has tried to take other precautions as well.  President Jim Brenneman had hoped to install a sunroof in the Union Gym, but the project ended up being too expensive to fit into the budget.  There were also talks of having the blood drive outside in the sun, but it was vetoed on account of Goshen weather being stinking miserable.  The school also worked to book Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but was disappointed to find out that she must be booked 12 months in advance.

Other schools have taken similar precautions.  Notre Dame University, South Bend, has in fact been criticized for its aggression in finding vampires.  Last month, three students were staked in the heart.  They ended up not being vampires at all, but merely “looked vampirey.”  Fortunately, due to the abundance of medical staff and blood, they were administered transfusions immediately and were released later that day.  Saint Mary’s College, South Bend, has constructed an army of Zombies that they hope will “get in an enormous battle with the vampires,” in hopes that the vampires and zombies will be too busy fighting one another to attack the students.  Valparaiso University, Valparaiso, has added the question “are you a vampire” to the questionnaire that students must fill-out when giving blood.  Bethel College, Mishawaka, has purchased an enormous 12-foot-in-diameter chocolate fountain.  Some critics questioned what this had to do with a blood drive or vampires, to which Bethel responded, “It will help…trust us”.

Many female students were disappointed to find that the vampires were not nearly as dark, moody and sexy as the vampires in “Twilight,” including Elspeth Stalter.

“What a disappointment.  The vampires weren’t even slightly attractive.  What a waste of my blood.”

Faculty is concerned that even if vampires are driven away from the drive, they will be hungry and look for students.

Ben Baumgartner, a sophomore, stated, that “that would be totally rad to be a vampire!  The ladies would be totally into…well I mean, they already are…but, y’know…more so.”

The president’s council has made it clear that students whose roommates turn vampire do not get straight A’s on the grounds of “if it walks around, it isn’t really dead” to discourage students throwing their roommates out to the vampires late at night.

Some have criticized Goshen for only being concerned about vampires.  Nate Day commented that “people are so into vampires.  Why haven’t people taken any precautions against hoards of leeches—has anyone even thought about a colony of vampire bats or mosquito swarms or blood drinking unicorns?  No!  Just because Edward has sexy hair all anyone ever talks about are vampires.”

No matter what problems arise, everyone is hoping for a smooth and death-free blood drive.  So please DO NOT forget the time you signed up to donate blood.

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Written by Jacob Landis-Eigsti

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