By Billy Funk with aid from his cousin Jordan Weaver and roomie Jonathan Harnish
Farewell to a Dearest Friend
Hi sports out there, I hope that life is a ball of wonderment – a happy pack of bean curds as it were. As for me, I have been going through my toils, fighting off my struggles, and I got to tell ya: it’s a battle, it be tough. The last couple days, I must confess, have cut me DEEP! You see, I have lost a close friend, a partner on whom I could rely, an ally that I could whisper my secrets to in greatest trust, a sidekick who had no equal: ESTAVAN!
For the few of you out there who did not know Estavan, (and I pity you greatly!) he was the noblest of friends. From the times that he would tickle my toes or the way that I could throw him over my shoulder, he was always there for me through thick and thin. I could always count on him to be the life of the party; he was prepped for every occasion. I could slick him up with gel for formal events, or he could just remain cool and casual, curled up in a nice little ball for when we were just chilling. He could always crack me up–the things he would say to me, stuff like “Hey you’re not good at anything,” “Just give up” and “Get that match away from me!” Without Estavan, I just feel like some kid lost in a supermarket–there I am, right by the produce.
Now I know what many of you are thinking, “Billy, he is just a gosh darn nipple hair, man!” But to me, he was not just some bum that I found off the street and taped to my chest–he was my single, long, black nipple hair, who sprouted into my life and changed it forever! WHAT IS IT ABOUT THIS WORLD! You dare to put your heart and your soul in to loving someone and the next day…wheeew down the drain they go! And my terrible loss not only effects me but also Bobkins, you just take one look and you can tell he is the loneliest nipple in the world, he just stays confined to his little pectoral not saying much.
And how can I ever go on without fear of losing anybody else? I mean, if Estavan could be lost that easily, then what about belly button Bernard, or my toes, Erving, Gudmunder, Jacob, Octavian, Cadwalider, Marvin, Landis, Chancy, Reginald, Dexter, Demetri, and Eigsti. And oh my gosh golly what if I lost Rodney! Oh gosh…not Rodney! Anyway, I would just like to say that for those of you out there who have nipple hairs, hold on to them friends! For this is one pain that I wish on no one else, and I don’t know if I am going to make it.
In Remorse, Billy Funk