Like many of you, I was shocked and appalled last week at Mr. Kaufmann’s libelous attacks upon my character in his so called “private” letter to his roommate. Let me refute some of these scandalous lies plainly and clearly.
Kaufmann claimed I have a pink poodle outfit. I think what he meant to write is that he himself has a pink poodle outfit. Furthermore, the harmful attacks upon my middle name were uncalled for. Lee is perhaps the manliest name known to humankind. The name Erin, however, is not. I should also point out that in German the root of the word Kauf translates to a synonym of nein, meaning not. So technically my funnies article opponent’s name translates to Erin Not-a-man.
His remarks about me planning to become a Disney princess were foolish. My followers know that all my life I have not been a Disney Princess. I mean, hey, if some random sea witch offered to turn you into a princess wouldn’t you take this stunning opportunity? I rest my case. The small bit about shaving your eyebrows is simply unsubstantiated gossip based upon weak evidence. So what if I wrote about it in my funnies article, or happen to be keeping the razor by the bed lately, or have accidentally woken him up on several occasions by a mysterious buzzing noise. It is all in his head, and now he has tarnished my reputation by spreading false rumors.
My fellow readers, it is time to take a stand. Too long have we witnessed the cruel Erin Not-a-man spreading lies and rumors. How would he like it if I attacked his character? I won’t, since I am above it and that is not the kind of platform on which I’ve based my campaign for funnies writing. I won’t talk about how he is torn between playing A Whole New World or Too Legit To Quit at his wedding. I won’t tell readers how he hates babies. That’s right…and not just human babies: puppies, kittens, koalas–the cuter they are the more my opponent hates them. Do you know what else he hates? Democracy. Did you know that he was not even elected as funnies editor–he seized power and has spread his anti-roommate, anti-baby message through the campus.
You may think, oh well, he’s only a sophomore. Only three more years of this depressing corruption, but oh ho ho dear reader! He is a music education major. It shall take him four more years to finish.
Ladies and gentleman, we cannot take four more years of this cruel and heartless writing. For the sake of the children, and George Washington, we must impeach him. Only then will freedom and babies flow through the air like doves in the spring. It is up to you to make the right choice: I can only sit back helpless and watch kittens cry as this terrible man threatens the very fabric of this nation.