350, A conspiracy?

350, A conspiracy?

As many of us know, there has been a lot of talk about this whole ‘350’ stuff on campus, and I for one, have become quite skeptical. ‘350 this and 350 that,’ gheeez! I’m starting to forget there are even other numbers out there! Unless you’ve been living under a rock/stable ozone layer for the past year, you should know that 350 parts per million supposedly represents the number of CO2 in the atmosphere for a safe environment to live in. First of all, what the heck does ‘parts’ per million even mean? What kind of ‘parts’ are we talking about, like car parts? To me it sounds like a scientist failed to come up with a creative description that would confuse us enough to make it sound smart. What he/she should have named it is something closer to 350 ‘mass molecular expository per millennia,‘ now that sounds confusing and smart! However we have ‘parts per million,’ and you know what that sounds like to me? It sounds like a conspiracy.
Ok, so you all might think I’m being ridiculous with this idea, but if you look at the clues out there it really makes sense. First of all, these scientists (whom I would prefer to call ‘old farts’) keep throwing this ‘global warming’ term at us. Well then, explain to me why it’s so stinkin’ cold outside? I’d like to see one of these ‘old farts’ come on down for a Goshen winter and then see what their opinion on global warming is.

350-1

Fig. 1.1

All right, so if I’m going to make a conspiracy argument, then I’m going to need incredibly compelling yet ridiculously irrelevant evidence to back me up. First of all, the number 350 is awfully close to the number 360, which most of us know is the number of degrees for a full circle or a gnarly skateboard trick. So lets forget about parts per million and think of degrees. Take a look at figure 1.1 – if we are currently headed for the end of existence, then shifting ourselves 350 degrees will really only turn us slightly to the right, which won’t really do us any good. If we are really trying to save ourselves then wouldn’t it be better to do a 90 or 270 degree turn and leave our fate into the hands of the unknown?
Not convinced? Get out your calculator and try this one out for size. There are 365 days in a year; the difference between 365 and 350 is 15. 350 minus 15 minus half the number of syllables in ‘Bill McKibben’ (2) is 333. Times that by 2 (as in CO2) and you get 666! Coincidence? I highly doubt it! I’m on to you Lucifer; I know you’re planning something!
So maybe I haven’t quite pinned it down yet, but I just want you all to know the possibilities are out there and they are endless. If you think you have a theory on this whole 350 evil, then it’s probably right. Either way I think it would be pretty cool to live in a world that’s completely submerged (there would be jet skis everywhere!). So you better watch out 350, I’m keeping my eye on you.

Written by Michael Neumann

Michael is awesome.

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