Last night, we came to a realization

By: Jacob Schlabach and Beth Glick

Last night, we came to a realization. Someone needs to invent a shirt that constantly gives a lower-back massage. They make shirts with flaps that allude to opening animal mouths, so surely we’re just steps away from a wearable masseuse. Would this not be the epitome of shirt engineering? (The answer, unless you love pain, is yes.)

Ideally, of course, if it’s anything like the advancement of the computer, this shirt should have already been in progress for at least 60 years. As it is, we’re going to have to put up with suits the size of Sauder Hall for quite some time. However, we are certain that the pay-off will be quite worth it for our grandchildren; “Willy, you don’t even know what a back pain is, but back in my day a sore latissimus dorsi basically had no cure. Now you can sit in your neural brain-space games for days on end with hardly a wisp of a symptom…except for the crippling brain spasms. Still, lucky boy.”

And in the short run, a little lack of fashion won’t keep the shirt-seuse from hitting the big time. The fact is we’re a society prone to back troubles. For better or for worse, once people feel the tingling relaxed sensation that an ever-present backrub can produce, there will be no going back (Whether or not that was a pun, be assured it was far from intended.) This shirt will be somewhat similar to the Snuggie, which, though fatally unfashionable, is slowly taking over the armed blanket market. Like the much-maligned cover, the shirt-sage will so drastically improve our lifestyle as to be utterly irresistible.

Some of you might wonder, if our shirts gave us massages, wouldn’t this be just another way for technology to remove real human interaction? To which we could reply, silly you, didn’t you know that in the future human interaction is obsolete? All this talking can be replaced with texts, which can sum up entire human relationships much more concisely. For example, “lol, jk, I rly dnt like u.”  But, to be quite frank, if you can understand that last example, you know all too well that replaced human interaction is already a reality. The shirt-o-rub will do no worse.

While the ethical issues may be mountainous, we hold to our conviction; a continuous backrub would be a mighty fine thing. Imagine a world where neither sitting idle for extended periods, lifting obscenely heavy objects, nor having a monkey on ones back (figuratively or otherwise) would have negative repercussions. This is, we think all can agree, a world worth fighting for.

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