Go Green-shen Go!

I suppose that you have all heard about this “Going Green” that Goshen is apparently taking part in.  But how many of you have actually thought about what that actually means, or what the consequences might be to us, the students?

Now don’t preemptively call me a nay-sayer, but between you and me. . . you and I?. . .never mind, between us, I haven’t seen any changes yet.  Now, according to an article in The Record issue from September 24, President Jim Brenneman submitted our plan to the (and I am not making this up) ACUPCC, which I think stands for “A Complete Uninterrupted Profuse Contemplative Cognition”–in other words, a complete sentence.  FIICMLAAWAIMMLFTR?—For Instance I Can Make Large Acronyms As Well, And It Makes Me Look Fancy Too, Right?—would be another example worthy of the status of ACUPCC, not to get off topic.

As I was saying, I haven’t seen any changes, and if we are going green, I want results!  According to my calculations, we do not have a single green building on campus.  Well, if I know what’s up, that should be easy to remedy!  All we need to do is bust out the green paint!  Besides, if we want to be closer to the earth, brown would be a much better color choice, and it would also show less dirt.  Plus, brown would be an easy color to make!  We take all our old almost empty paint cans, mix them together, and voila! BROWN!

Now, the problem with brown is that it is kind of a hard color to have as a team color.  Prime example: the Cleveland Browns.  Can you think of a worse mascot name?  It is almost as bad as the—and I am not making these up—Butte Pirates,  the Thailand Tobacco Monopoly, or the Scottsdale Community College Fighting Artichokes.  If we really want to kick things into action, we should go with a crazy color: for instance, hot fuchsia or my personal favorite “Anti-Establish Mint.”  Green is cool, but there are some really good other choices as well.

Taking all this into consideration, I really don’t see the point of “Going Green.” It is almost as if the powers that be were referring to something more abstract than a color change.  It is as if to “go green” had another meaning.  Well, in any case, my vote is that we leave purple alone and start using our hard spent tuition money towards something that will help prevent cancer or something like that.

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Written by Aaron Kaufmann

i am not a funny person, and i don't know why i was asked to be a funnies editor. all of my articles are based on 100% truth, and should be taken in all seriousness.

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