The future of Goshen College

The end is near – the end of the semester, I should hasten to clarify.

Finals and projects are flying left and right, bludgeoning passersby. I am not enrolled in a single class, and I have seven presentations, four essays and 13 bibliographies to complete, just because of my proximity to the college campus.

As we get nearer and nearer to the day of caps and gowns, I suggest that we do more than reflect on the past year. We will have the rest of our lives to wallow in nostalgia with respect to our college days. Let us instead begin building figurative blueprints for the Goshen College of the Future.

What would you like Goshen College to look like in five years? Of course, when I say “you,” I mean me. After all, I’m the one writing the article.

Here are some things for which Goshen College should strive.

1.    Complete Energy Independence.

The solar panels on the roof of the Recreation-Fitness Center are a fantastic start. However, I have plenty of less-feasible ideas to add to the mix.

Every sidewalk should be an enormous treadmill that powers the Connector. Squirrels should be made to run in those little hamster wheels and hooked up to generators. Choirs should always have to sing at little windmills and propel them with their collective breathiness.

I don’t see any reason why these ideas wouldn’t work, and if you do, perhaps you just need a hug and a tendency to disregard facts.

2.    More Core Values.

Goshen College was a trendsetter in finding five “funky-fresh core values” (alliteration points!). Unfortunately, other jealous colleges will soon be cramping our style and creating their own “copy cat core values.”

We should anticipate this and create more core values. Some of them can be very specific: Dedicated Spelunkers, Monty Python Quoters, Reggae Enthusiasts. Others can be vague and impressive sounding: Proactive Self-Enablers, Effective Co-Actualizers, Posi-tastic Go-Getters. (These are also excellent things to put on your resume!)

If we still need more, we can begin repeating the original five, but in interesting fonts.

3.    Located Somewhere Sunny.

This will lead to less complaining on the part of college students. It will also help with our pesky vampire infestation.

4.    A Better Use for the Train/Tracks.

The train is always passing from campus to and from, and – as far as I can tell – never does anything useful. This seems wasteful. We should have a big catapult that flings water balloons whenever a train smacks into it. This would be hilarious and keep people cool in the summer.

We could also be making better use of the track. If we hoisted parts of it off the ground, we could make a Goshen College roller coaster as easy as sneezing. Then students wouldn’t need to go to Cedar Point.

5.    Acquisition of the Surrounding 17 Goshen Blocks.

This will put an end to the rage about four-year residency. If Goshen College owns most of the town, students can “stay on campus” while living wherever they want. They can use Munch Money to eat at Universal Tamal or Kelly Jae’s Café.

Granted, there might be some opposition to this proposal. Some families currently living in the neighborhoods might object to suddenly being under the college’s rules and expectations. Open house hours in particular, might cause some do-goodniks to grouse. We would have to explain to them compassionately and patiently that they are better off being in the Goshen College bubble – and possibly write them up.

6.    All-You-Can-Eat Gummi Bear Fountains.

I think this is fairly self-explanatory.

These are just six of the thousands of steps Goshen College could take in the future. The possibilities are literally brain-exploding. No one knows for certain what the Goshen College of the Future will look like, except of course Jesus and possibly President Jim Brenneman.

And I have a really good feeling they both want to see a group of Posi-tastic Go-Getters powering their rollercoasters with squirrel generators.

Written by Jesse Landis-Eigsti

Jesse Landis-Eigsti was born by candlelight on a dark and stormy night in Quithing, Lesotho. More recently, he has been wandering between Denver, Colorado and Goshen, Indiana, composing music, writing short stories, and doodling the only things he can draw: sharks, velociraptors, and space ships.

No comments yet.

No one have left a comment for this post yet!

Leave a comment