I’m going to take a moment, and speak to you all directly, not as funnies editor, but as myself, Tyler Yoder. I’m going to do this because I have an important announcement to make – one that I think a number of people around campus might resonate with:
I am terrified of graduating.
Here’s how it’s going down. In less than one month from today (24 days, to be exact) Goshen College seniors are going to be graduating.
The Latin root of the word graduate is “gradus,” which means “to be gripped with a terrible fear” and also “to have to finally be an adult and do stuff for yourself.” The “-ate” suffix is a stand-in for the numeral eight, which represents a total fear level eight out of a possible ten (fear level ten is equivalent to getting mauled by a bear while someone plays creepy pan pipe music in the background).
Any objections to my language analysis should kindly be directed toward the funnies page linguist-in-chief at firstname.lastname@example.org.
It’s like, seriously? You expect me to actually go out into this “real world” and, you know, do stuff? I don’t even know what that means. What am I going to complain about when there’s no more homework? Procrastination will go from honorable (if not desirable) talent to hideous vice! My palms are beginning to sweat just thinking about it.
Now, I can hear those of you who aren’t yet seniors saying to yourselves, “this Tyler fellow, he certainly has a bad case of the hysteria.” I am here to inform you that this is not the case! You too will experience this upon the end of your own senior years.
Perhaps some of you juniors are even beginning to get a tinge of the fear now, as well, knowing what awaits you in just one short year. Perhaps some of you sophomores have a small voice in the back of your mind telling you to beware, because in a few short months you too will be juniors, who are almost seniors.
And maybe, just maybe a few of you first years are wise enough to begin planning your post-college paths for, after all, the end of your carefree college days are almost nigh.
Now go outside and enjoy the sunshine. It might be the last chance you have.