Well folks, it’s about that time of year: Mushy-Gushy Day, aka Valentine’s Day, aka Singles Awareness Day.
I know what you’re thinking. “What am I going to do, with two days left and no date? How will I ever get the hottie who sits by me in Spanish to fall in love with me in time for Saturday’s festivities?”
Worry no longer! I’ve developed a simple system that you can use to woo the most un-woothy. Uh, yeah!
1. Set your Target. Goshen College is a small campus, but I’m confident that you can find someone who shares your love of playing Dutch Blitz by the flickering light of fire. Make sure Target is single.
2. Begin with a bit of small talk. No one will accept a date if they’ve never talked to you, ever. I advise beginning with a deeply personal question, such as, “What are your hopes and dreams?” Target will be impressed by your interest.
3. Once interest is established, back off completely. Coming on too strongly can be frightening. Give Target time to think about how cool you were and wonder why you’re now totally ignoring him or her.
4. If you pass Target on the sidewalk, look down, glance up, look down, glance up and flash small smile, look down. An essential step, this establishes some familiarity with Target and informs Target that you aren’t completely ignoring him or her.
5. Become Facebook friends. This will make researching Target’s interests simple – any time it’s convenient!
6. Memorize Target’s schedule and appear mysteriously everywhere Target goes. This may be a challenge in the short amount of time you have, but Target will be duped into thinking that you have shared interests.
7. Send love notes by campus mail. Remember not to sign the notes. Target will be made aware that they are the target (ha) of someone’s affection.
8. Show sudden interest in Target. This may be tough, but you do have to begin talking to Target again. Use caffeine to stimulate the tongue, if necessary.
9. Give Target frequent hugs. Target will not only become enamored with your huggability, he or she will also get used to your smell.
10. Show up at Target’s door with food. The stomach is the way to anyone’s heart. Make sure that the food is delicious, and that Target isn’t allergic to any of its ingredients.
11. Merge into Goshen Dating. Ask Target if he or she would like to attend an on-campus event with you, stating that none of your friends will be going. Gradually move into hanging out alone at your or Target’s house.
12. Suggest hanging out on Valentine’s Day. Be sure to call it “Singles Awareness Day” and point out that you are both victims this year.
Well, that’s as many steps as I can give you. I’ve never actually successfully gotten past step seven, but I’m confident that you can. I’m also confident that you’ll figure out how to move past step 12. Have a happy Saturday!