Top Ten epiphanies I had in Nicaragua

10. Monopoly teaches kids a horrible lesson: when your money is a color other than green, spend it as fast as possible! Yes, I blame Monopoly for my use of cordobas.

9. Parrots are adorable and funny for 45 seconds. Then you want to kill them with fire.

8. As much as I grouse about Goshen’s weather, I should be grateful for the clouds. I burn upon contact with the sun’s light. Or even while whistling “Here Comes the Sun.”

7. The United States needs more mini-buses and moto-taxis.

6. Whenever you travel, try to immerse yourself in your new surroundings, experience the culture and leave behind any cultural trappings at home.

5. Also, Hulu and Pandora don’t work overseas. Dang it!

4. Any vampire book where the vampires get all sparkly in the sun and can’t be killed by a stake to the heart is a bogus vampire book. Edward, I’m talking to you.

3. Physical therapists, like my aunt and uncle and their graduate students, are really smart. They know about such things as ligaments and joists and thoraxes. Do not eat dinner with eight physical therapists talking about their job or you will feel oh so stupid.

2. When you decide to watch the sunrise from your hotel balcony, be sure that the door back into your room is not locked, or you will have to yell for help from the Nicaraguans passing below.

1. If a tour guide teaches you a word that he says means “cool,” be sure to check that it does not actually mean a part of the female reproductive system.

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Jesse Landis-Eigsti
Written by Jesse Landis-Eigsti

Jesse Landis-Eigsti was born by candlelight on a dark and stormy night in Quithing, Lesotho. More recently, he has been wandering between Denver, Colorado and Goshen, Indiana, composing music, writing short stories, and doodling the only things he can draw: sharks, velociraptors, and space ships.

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