An open letter to President Obama

Dear Barack Obama,

So, it seems that you’ve become the president of the United States of America. Congratulations, you know? It was a long race. You were probably stressed out a lot. You probably didn’t get a lot of sleep. Perhaps you had to hang out with people you weren’t particularly fond of. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there and we feel your pain.

I’m also sure you’ve realized that your work as president has only just begun. Just think: according to the ever-infallible internets, there are approximately 18 million graduate and undergraduate students across the nation. These same internets claim that nearly 85% of those students were registered to vote in 2008.

Let’s assume, then, that 50% of college students voted for Barack Obama (mostly because I don’t like doing hard maths – percentages included). That’s nine million votes, Barack! Nine million!

Consider that each of us likely spent at least 20 minutes – a conservative estimate – actually voting for you. That’s 180 million minutes, or 3 million hours, or 125 thousand days. If you continue to slog through the numbers, that comes out to about 340 years. The college students of America alone spent over 340 years electing you. We’ve been waiting for you since 1669, Barack! Just imagine that!

In 1669, when Antonio Stradivari was building his first violin, he was thinking of you! In that same year, the first Newtonian reflecting telescope was built to eventually magnify your chiseled jaw and regal demeanor! And even more, Mt. Etna erupted with joy at the thought of your administration (and subsequently killed 20,000 people and the town of Nicolosi, but let’s not dwell on that)!

In short, Barack, you owe us. Big time. You might need some inspiration as to how, exactly, you can go about expunging such a magnificent debt. Luckily, I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time now and I have a few suggestions.

First, you need to do something about this weather. Did you know that it snows on some college campuses? This should be rectified posthaste, as it is cold and makes me sad. Thus, I propose you increase funding into ways that we can increase global warming. Because it sure ain’t warm up here in Goshen, Ind.

Second, I think it would be great if we all got kittens, you know, like a “welcome to school” gift. We could even keep them in our classy and sophisticated custom Goshen College messenger bags. Satchels and kittens are the best combination!

Finally, I think you (or one of your highly-paid interns) should make sure to friend each and every college student who cares enough to maintain a Facebook page. As an added bonus, you’re the president! You can make it illegal for anyone to block your request! You will be the guy who has the most friends on all of the internet and that would be great. Also, this would let each and every one of us personally send you high-fives, growing plants, cause invitations and any other obnoxious Facebook application invitations we so choose! If all goes as I’ve planned, you will make these illegal as well, to the benefit of all people ever.

In conclusion, Mr. President, I’m glad to see you made it into office. You worked hard, you endured much and you have many miles to go before you sleep. You can accomplish big things during your time in office and I know you will. You just gotta remember to give credit where credit’s due, you know? Never forget that. Never forget.

Love,

-The Funnies Page

Written by Tyler Yoder

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