A major overhaul at Goshen College

How many of you have come to Goshen College and wished that it offered a larger selection of majors? For many of us, Goshen was the smallest school we looked at. In choosing this college over those with several million or so students, we had to sacrifice the option of many new and exciting career opportunities!

It seems to me that we need something new to spice up the selection of majors and draw people on the edge who just need a little push to come to Goshen. Student enrollment is currently down, after all.

As this semester started, I decided that I was ready to try something new in my room. Maybe I needed some new positive Qi, which is Chinese for “a good word for all you Scrabble buffs,” in my room. This would enable me to do much better work and, therefore, improve my overall college performance. Then I remembered the slight flaw in my plan: I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT FENG SHUI! Would not feng shui be the greatest major ever?

“What is feng shui?” you ask. Well, for those of you poor readers unfamiliar with feng shui, it is the ancient Chinese art of pure awesomeness. OK, so not really. In actuality, it means “wind water.” Maybe the Chinese find the sounds of wind and water in their rooms soothing or something. However, I don’t need to fully understand how Qi works to improve my life and to rearrange my room.

After this revelation, I had another one of those “ah ha” moments where suddenly it all makes sense! I realized that people never actually work in the job field of their major! So why not major in something you hate? Now, before you scoff this off as another obviously half-baked, harebrained idea of some deadbeat who knows nothing about what he is talking about, think about it! In doing this, you would almost guarantee you would never have to do your hated subject again in your life!

But what about those unfortunate or simply misguided people who want to keep their options open? For this exact reason, I propose that Goshen College offer a major in collegiate studies. In being a collegiate studies major, you could effectively get any job your little heart desired!

What?…I was just told that that was the stupidest idea ever…WAIT! I have it! The ultimate major ever! Conceptualize with me, if you will. I can see it in the headlines now: “Goshen College announces new major for the first time ever: stupidity.” Think about the possibilities! All you would have to do is fail out to prove your stupidity! Or would that imply that you were bad at being stupid, therefore making you smart? Obviously that will have to be sorted out before this one can fly.

Well, if you are like me and want to see some of these courses offered in the near future, just remember: all you have to do is stupidly not know how to refurbish your room to help keep all your doors open! And remember, thank the Chinese for Qi being a legitimate Scrabble word.

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Written by Aaron Kaufmann

i am not a funny person, and i don't know why i was asked to be a funnies editor. all of my articles are based on 100% truth, and should be taken in all seriousness.

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