Welcome to Funnies 2.0. No longer will we be mindlessly grinding out “funny” “articles” for your “enjoyment” (disclaimer: yes we will). Instead, we are introducing a new column dependent on YOUR contributions.

Andrew Nofsinger and Levi Yoder have graciously offered to perform the role of campus wisemen (wiseguys?), giving you the unprecedented opportunity to write in with all your deepest, darkest, burning, printable questions.

Yes indeedy, just e-mail your questions to levidy@goshen.edu. If you’re lucky, you’ll see your question anonymously posted and answered in next week’s Record! What could be better?

While we can’t guarantee that your particular question will be answered, we can guarantee that the more inquiring we are as a community, the more all will benefit  from these fonts of wisdom. So get out there, get askin’!

I know what you’re thinking. “What am I going to do, with two days left and no date? How will I ever get the hottie who sits by me in Spanish to fall in love with me in time for Saturday’s festivities?”

Worry no longer! I’ve developed a simple system that you can use to woo the most un-woothy. Uh, yeah!

1. Set your Target. Goshen College is a small campus, but I’m confident that you can find someone who shares your love of playing Dutch Blitz by the flickering light of fire. Make sure Target is single.

2. Begin with a bit of small talk. No one will accept a date if they’ve never talked to you, ever. I advise beginning with a deeply personal question, such as, “What are your hopes and dreams?” Target will be impressed by your interest.

3. Once interest is established, back off completely. Coming on too strongly can be frightening. Give Target time to think about how cool you were and wonder why you’re now totally ignoring him or her.

4. If you pass Target on the sidewalk, look down, glance up, look down, glance up and flash small smile, look down. An essential step, this establishes some familiarity with Target and informs Target that you aren’t completely ignoring him or her.

5. Become Facebook friends. This will make researching Target’s interests simple – any time it’s convenient!

6. Memorize Target’s schedule and appear mysteriously everywhere Target goes. This may be a challenge in the short amount of time you have, but Target will be duped into thinking that you have shared interests.

7. Send love notes by campus mail. Remember not to sign the notes. Target will be made aware that they are the target (ha) of someone’s affection.

8. Show sudden interest in Target. This may be tough, but you do have to begin talking to Target again. Use caffeine to stimulate the tongue, if necessary.

9. Give Target frequent hugs. Target will not only become enamored with your huggability, he or she will also get used to your smell.

10. Show up at Target’s door with food. The stomach is the way to anyone’s heart. Make sure that the food is delicious, and that Target isn’t allergic to any of its ingredients.

11. Merge into Goshen Dating. Ask Target if he or she would like to attend an on-campus event with you, stating that none of your friends will be going. Gradually move into hanging out alone at your or Target’s house.

12. Suggest hanging out on Valentine’s Day. Be sure to call it “Singles Awareness Day” and point out that you are both victims this year.

Well, that’s as many steps as I can give you. I’ve never actually successfully gotten past step seven, but I’m confident that you can. I’m also confident that you’ll figure out how to move past step 12. Have a happy Saturday!

How many of you have come to Goshen College and wished that it offered a larger selection of majors? For many of us, Goshen was the smallest school we looked at. In choosing this college over those with several million or so students, we had to sacrifice the option of many new and exciting career opportunities!

It seems to me that we need something new to spice up the selection of majors and draw people on the edge who just need a little push to come to Goshen. Student enrollment is currently down, after all.

As this semester started, I decided that I was ready to try something new in my room. Maybe I needed some new positive Qi, which is Chinese for “a good word for all you Scrabble buffs,” in my room. This would enable me to do much better work and, therefore, improve my overall college performance. Then I remembered the slight flaw in my plan: I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT FENG SHUI! Would not feng shui be the greatest major ever?

“What is feng shui?” you ask. Well, for those of you poor readers unfamiliar with feng shui, it is the ancient Chinese art of pure awesomeness. OK, so not really. In actuality, it means “wind water.” Maybe the Chinese find the sounds of wind and water in their rooms soothing or something. However, I don’t need to fully understand how Qi works to improve my life and to rearrange my room.

After this revelation, I had another one of those “ah ha” moments where suddenly it all makes sense! I realized that people never actually work in the job field of their major! So why not major in something you hate? Now, before you scoff this off as another obviously half-baked, harebrained idea of some deadbeat who knows nothing about what he is talking about, think about it! In doing this, you would almost guarantee you would never have to do your hated subject again in your life!

But what about those unfortunate or simply misguided people who want to keep their options open? For this exact reason, I propose that Goshen College offer a major in collegiate studies. In being a collegiate studies major, you could effectively get any job your little heart desired!

What?…I was just told that that was the stupidest idea ever…WAIT! I have it! The ultimate major ever! Conceptualize with me, if you will. I can see it in the headlines now: “Goshen College announces new major for the first time ever: stupidity.” Think about the possibilities! All you would have to do is fail out to prove your stupidity! Or would that imply that you were bad at being stupid, therefore making you smart? Obviously that will have to be sorted out before this one can fly.

Well, if you are like me and want to see some of these courses offered in the near future, just remember: all you have to do is stupidly not know how to refurbish your room to help keep all your doors open! And remember, thank the Chinese for Qi being a legitimate Scrabble word.