Archives for the ‘funnies’ Category
Peace by What?
By Aaron Kaufmann • Sep 9th, 2009 • Category: funnies
How many of you have looked at the new motto “Peace by Peace” and wondered if it has been misspelled? I have. At first, I thought, “Shouldn’t it be ‘Piece by Piece?’” Then I realized the truth—it is a college motto. This means that it has to be...
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Top 10 Survival Guide for First Years
By Aaron Kaufmann • Sep 9th, 2009 • Category: funnies10.) Jim Brenneman can do one fingered push-ups while reciting Hebrew Bible passages. 9.) Following the signs and yielding to trains is in your best interests health-wise. 8.) Be nice to the lunch ladies; they serve your food. 7.) The tunnels do exist--seek them;...
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Abe’s practical guide to over eating
Apr 15th, 2009 • Category: funniesAbe Pauls Contributing Writer Have you ever had a good dinner at 6:30 p.m., only to be haunted by hunger pangs at 10 p.m.? I know I have. No measly snack food in my dorm room could squelch my burning desire for sustenance. I was forced to find my own way of coping. I...
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The future of Goshen College
By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Apr 15th, 2009 • Category: funniesThe end is near – the end of the semester, I should hasten to clarify. Finals and projects are flying left and right, bludgeoning passersby. I am not enrolled in a single class, and I have seven presentations, four essays and 13 bibliographies to complete, just because...
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The last word
By Tyler Yoder • Apr 15th, 2009 • Category: funniesAt last, it seems that I've come to the year's final issue of the Record. It seems difficult to believe that it's been an entire two semesters that I've spent pounding away at my keyboard trying in vain to be funny. In fact, it's more than the last issue of this esteemed...
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Cautious counsel on Mennonite relationships
Apr 8th, 2009 • Category: funniesBen Baumgartner Contributing Writer In this season of budding flowers, chirping birds and warmer days, many of you may have noticed that love is increasingly in the air. While this is undoubtedly a good thing, I would like to warn everyone about a dangerous trend that...
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Is the news old or am I old?
By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Apr 8th, 2009 • Category: funniesA funny thing happened on Saturday. I was playing piano in the School House Hour After and I noticed that there were some songs, which I had thought were über-famous, that large chunks of the audience didn't seem to recognize. This really surprised me, so I asked the...
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Top 10 things that we’re too lazy to do
By Tyler Yoder • Apr 8th, 2009 • Category: funniesTop 10 Things That We're Too Lazy To Do: 10. Laundry 9. Homework 8. Update our blog 7. Finish that knitting project we started freshman year 6. Organizing our house Tupperware drawer 5. Shower 4. End-of-semester course evaluations 3. Cook something...
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But seriously, I am terrified
By Tyler Yoder • Apr 1st, 2009 • Category: funniesI'm going to take a moment, and speak to you all directly, not as funnies editor, but as myself, Tyler Yoder. I'm going to do this because I have an important announcement to make – one that I think a number of people around campus might resonate with: I am terrified...
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A guide to opera
By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Apr 1st, 2009 • Category: funniesThese days, operas and operettas are buzzing on everyone’s lips. With the first weekend of "The Gondoliers" a success, "operas" are the new Big Theater Thing of Spring 2009 – just like "the truth being unknowable" was the Big Theater Thing of Spring 2008. But perhaps...
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Top ten April Fools’ Day headlines
By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Apr 1st, 2009 • Category: funnies10. Octomom's Octuplets Each Give Birth to Octuplets 9. Economy Improves 8. Newspaper Headlines Are Now To Be Using Words Like "Are" and "And" 7. Ballot Recount Makes McCain President 6. Goshen Students Embrace Four Year Residency 5. Your Shoe Is...
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Swooping up prey (jobs) like hawks
By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Mar 25th, 2009 • Category: funniesYou've all seen the news, or at least the Daily Show: the economy is still in the metaphorical toilet. People have stopped their habits of going wildly in debt and are saving money, which is profoundly un-American. We must not be like the squirrels of Goshen, hiding...
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