The Record » Jesse Landis-Eigsti

The future of Goshen College

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Apr 15th, 2009 • Category: funnies

The end is near – the end of the semester, I should hasten to clarify. Finals and projects are flying left and right, bludgeoning passersby. I am not enrolled in a single class, and I have seven presentations, four essays and 13 bibliographies to complete, just because...

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Is the news old or am I old?

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Apr 8th, 2009 • Category: funnies

A funny thing happened on Saturday. I was playing piano in the School House Hour After and I noticed that there were some songs, which I had thought were über-famous, that large chunks of the audience didn't seem to recognize. This really surprised me, so I asked the...

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A guide to opera

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Apr 1st, 2009 • Category: funnies

These days, operas and operettas are buzzing on everyone’s lips. With the first weekend of "The Gondoliers" a success, "operas" are the new Big Theater Thing of Spring 2009 – just like "the truth being unknowable" was the Big Theater Thing of Spring 2008. But perhaps...

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Top ten April Fools’ Day headlines

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Apr 1st, 2009 • Category: funnies

10. Octomom's Octuplets Each Give Birth to Octuplets 9. Economy Improves 8. Newspaper Headlines Are Now To Be Using Words Like "Are" and "And" 7. Ballot Recount Makes McCain President 6. Goshen Students Embrace Four Year Residency 5. Your Shoe Is...

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Swooping up prey (jobs) like hawks

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Mar 25th, 2009 • Category: funnies

You've all seen the news, or at least the Daily Show: the economy is still in the metaphorical toilet. People have stopped their habits of going wildly in debt and are saving money, which is profoundly un-American. We must not be like the squirrels of Goshen, hiding...

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Top ten rejected course offerings

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Mar 25th, 2009 • Category: funnies

10. BIBL 157: Herod to Jezebel: Biblical Names that No One Gives to their Babies 9. MUS 149: Getting the Tune out of your Gosh-Darn Head 8. HIST 400: History of the Future: From Marty McFly to Captain Kirk 7. CHEM 004: How to Make a Baking Soda and...

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For the Record Mar. 19

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Mar 19th, 2009 • Category: for the record

As a funnies editor, I spend a lot of time thinking about humor. What do I find funny this week? Will other people find it funny as well? Will my article cast some light on the human condition, exposing a peculiarity so truthful that the reader cannot help but to emit a...

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Top ten jokes told badly

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Mar 18th, 2009 • Category: funnies

10. A chicken wanted to a cross the road, so it did. 9. A man walked into a bar and said, "Ouch!" This was because he did not enter a drinking establishment but instead smashed his dome against a metal bar. It hurt a lot. 8. Knock knock. Who's there?...

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A.L.’s advice column

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Mar 18th, 2009 • Category: funnies

Andrew Nofsinger Levi Yoder Contributing writers Dear A.L., First of all, I am so glad that you finally decided to start this column. I have so many burning questions that need to be answered. I realize that you cannot answer all of my questions, but I have one that...

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Top ten things you can do to save the planet

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Mar 11th, 2009 • Category: funnies

Top ten things you can do to save the planet: 10. Do not bathe 9. Avoid drive-throughs (stock up on Combos for the times at 1 a.m. that you crave salty semi-food). 8. If you have a hobby of spraying bald eagles with aerosol cans and gasoline, consider...

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My fake spring break

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Mar 4th, 2009 • Category: funnies

You’d think that spring break would be a veritable gold mine for funnies ideas. After all, MTV has taught the world that spring break is all about traveling to Cancun and making terrible decisions, which are generally pretty good topics for humor. The trouble is, I...

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How Wii do it

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Feb 18th, 2009 • Category: funnies

The other day I was talking with some friends about going bowling on Tuesday night. As soon as the idea was proposed, however, the old objections began rising to the top of my brain like bubbles in a fine bottle of Dr Pepper. The bowling is far away, and the path in...

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Top Ten perfect spring break plans

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Feb 18th, 2009 • Category: funnies

10. Put up Christmas lights and carol. Make everyone second-guess which break they are actually on. 9. Visit Florida. Failing that, bake an enormous cookie shaped like Florida. Be sure to label what it is supposed to be. 8. Build a snow fort! Then say, “A snow fort?...

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Top Ten epiphanies I had in Nicaragua

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Feb 11th, 2009 • Category: funnies

10. Monopoly teaches kids a horrible lesson: when your money is a color other than green, spend it as fast as possible! Yes, I blame Monopoly for my use of cordobas. 9. Parrots are adorable and funny for 45 seconds. Then you want to kill them with fire. 8. As much as...

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Sudoku for Right-Brained Individuals

By Jesse Landis-Eigsti • Jan 14th, 2009 • Category: funnies

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