Objection! New Conscientious Objector released

By Brian “The Lion” O’Leary, Funnies Editor

Breaking news:  The Conscientious Objector, Goshen’s secondary source of humor, finally released another issue of their paper this week.

For those of you who do not know the Conscientious Objector, it is a one-page periodical which is published approximately whenever they feel like it (apparently not very often this semester). It is run by Menno Simons and his historical Mennonite cronies, who try to poke fun at everything with varying success.

Currently they have a love/hate relationship with Richard Aguirre, director of communications and marketing at Goshen College, and continually reference his regular comments and likes on the CO Facebook page. The popularity of the CO fluctuates from “meh” to “what?” in the eyes of the general Goshen student population, and this year it has not garnered much of a following past Aguirre, the periodical’s number one fan boy.

However, I would like to applaud the effort that the CO consistently makes to release issues regularly and on time. Their continued presence on campus has really served to counter-balance the wonderful work of The Record with somewhat less wonderful but still readable articles. While the CO may have somewhat diminished readership compared to the Record Funnies page, they still try their hardest.

While they may not produce weekly hilarity or be nearly as funny as John “Tall John” Miller on a week-to-week basis, we of the Record Funnies page would like to extend a warm hand to Menno Simons and the CO, a hand of friendship and a hand of mentoring. We would like to encourage them, that while they may not be funny yet, through hard work and a bit of struggle, they can finally become somewhat funny in the eyes of the Goshen community.

Therefore, we would like to offer three points of advice to Menno Simons and the CO staff. It may be difficult to take hints from a superior paper, but we hope you can swallow your pride and accept these tips.

  1. Make peace with Aguirre. While it may be annoying to have to deal with Facebook junkies, it is not worth a couple jokes to lose your only fan. Richard may be a bit of a goof, but he’s the best you’ve got.
  2. Find your niche. Competing with the Record for news recognition is not a battle that you can win, so we suggest going into podcasts or maybe competing with a less prominent organization like the Correspondent.
  3. Use erratic patterns for release dates. Instead of continuing on your current track of releasing a CO every other semester, release one a month later than the previous one, then two days after that. This will keep your readers on their toes and could even inspire a Conscientious Objector hunt on campus, a throwback to the the 16th century searches for Anabaptists.

We at the Record Funnies page hope that the CO takes these suggestions to heart. We know that they will improve their overall experience as the secondary source of campus humor. Who knows, by the end of the year you may even have two followers!

brianao
Written by brianao

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