Goshen headed down a slippery slopeAuthor: • Feb 7th, 2013 • Category: funnies
By John W. Miller, Funnies Editor
We’ve received troubling news at The Record this week. The news is so treacherous that Goshen College, as we know it, may cease to exist.
I’m speaking, of course, of the announcement that Student Life has decided to extend the open house hours for KMY dorms. For some amount of time (who really remembers dates and stuff anymore?), Goshen has stood as a light upon a hill. Our fellow Mennonite institutions have long since caved to the cries of their students and allowed coeds to mingle past midnight. By extending our own open house hours, Goshen is headed down a slippery slope.
Now, I understand some first years and sophomores may find my reasoning irrational. But I was once like you! In fact, for the first time in a public forum, I will now admit to having an open house violation of my own. I was an innocent first-year, oblivious to the pitfalls of Yoder One. In fact, I received an open house violation for being in another dude’s room. Alas, a lass was present with us as well. We saw no harm in finishing our movie thirty minutes past midnight, but our RD thought otherwise.
A talk with Heather in tandem with a twenty-dollar fine was enough to convince me of the error of my ways. How could I have been so foolish to think it appropriate to watch a movie in a private space with another man and woman? I’m committed now to upholding our college’s designated hours of courtship. As the house leader of Kenwood, I make sure that any and all fraternizing between sexes happens in public spaces after midnight on the weekends.
And what of our faculty? Are we not to assume that they too will suffer from these changes? I can only imagine that they have also adhered to the college’s open house hours and will face the same risk of loosening morals if their hours are extended. Next thing we know, the college will no longer require anyone to honor the private hours.
Unless I am mistaken, these horrendous changes will not take effect until next school year. I urge the RAs of Kratz, Miller and Yoder to do all in your power to reinforce in students the need to maintain respectable private hours. Nothing but the severest of violations will teach our naïve students the importance of avoiding the opposite sex after midnight.
Without these policies in place, Goshen students may get the idea that it is acceptable for two adults of the opposite sex to have conversations alone together after dark. Think of the horror of a whole class of Goshen men graduating only to assume they’re welcome around their female companions. College is a time to prepare for life. Unless we cling to our present convictions, Goshen is destined to graduate scores of students expecting men and women in the real world to talk to each other after midnight. I for one can’t bear to see that happen.