Shameless self-promotion: One student’s quest for prestigeAuthor: • Sep 27th, 2012 • Category: funnies
By Kate Yoder
According to the GC homepage, you are one of 950+ diverse peacemakers that call Goshen College home.
Imagine what it would be like to have your story featured on the homepage. You’d be wearing socially-acceptable clothing, posed and smiling semi-naturally amidst a blurred, idyllic Goshen College backdrop. Underneath your photo, a caption would describe your noteworthy passions and exciting experiences, begging the Internet readership to learn more about you.
For me, this has become the primary goal of my three remaining years here at Goshen College. That’s why I’m starting my self-promotion campaign right now, in this article prominently positioned on page 7 of The Record.
According to my brief analysis, you either have to be an international student or give off that “cool” vibe to be featured on the homepage. Maybe I should up the ante on the references to my brother in KBCo.
Many of you may be unsure what diverse peacemaking entails. To clear up any confusion, here are my diverse peacemaking skills exhibited in résumé format:
Goshen College: September 2011-present
- Chose an international student as a roommate
- Refrained from participating in derogatory chants at soccer games
- Hesitated about killing a fruit fly because I “felt bad for it”
- Traced my heritage to some random European countries
- Made peace with the fact that at this rate, I will never make it on the GC homepage
It’s important to spice up your achievements when promoting yourself. Including details like “This summer I crossed the Appalachian Trail” make one sound hard-working and active. What I don’t have to say is that I crossed the trail widthwise. In a car.
And I’m pretty much the most selfless person I know, in addition to being the most humble. Last Christmas, for example, I put some dimes in the Salvation Army kettle outside Walmart. (Sorry, “the poor,” but I had to save my quarters for laundry.)
The core values describe me perfectly, especially if you put “semi-” in front of each one. I skim the Campus Communicator every day, fulfill my Convo/Chapel attendance requirement every semester and have never stolen a fork from the Rott.
In any case, my dear reader, in the daily chaos of classes, homework, jobs, extracurriculars and our struggling social lives, we too often forget just how awesome we are. Especially me.
So that’s why, against the mores of my Mennonite upbringing and my natural humility, I am promoting myself today. Public Relations, I am watching you. We’ll just have to wait and see if you’re watching me.