Stu – terview: Quality time with Stuart GraberAuthor: • Nov 30th, 2011 • Category: Uncategorized, funnies
On the evening of November the 14th, I had the chance to interview sophomore Stuart Graber while he practiced for his upcoming League of Legends match against Purdue. The following are direct quotes – for the most part.
John: Okay Stuart, why should you get to be interviewed for the Record?
Stuart: I thought you asked to interview me.
John: Duly noted. Let’s start off with some questions to break the water. The rest of the Goshen community may not be as well acquainted with you as I am. What’s your major?
John: Is that a real major?
Stuart: The curriculum is currently developing.
John: Ah, I see. Where are you from?
Stuart: Sarasota, Florida, and yes, I know your grandparents live there.
John: Well actually, mine don’t.
Stuart: Really? I was pretty sure everybody’s did.
John: Hold on, I’m getting a call.
“Hello? Oh hi grandma – wait – really? When did you decide to? I know Stuart says that, but I thought he was wrong.”
John: My grandparents just moved to Florida…
Stuart: Told ya.
John: Okay, well, let’s keep moving. Do you play any sports?
Stuart: I played basketball, baseball and soccer in high school. I’m also a star on most of the intramural teams. (Hesitantly) I guess – also – when my studies permit… I’m a Mid in the CLoL.
John: Uh, what was that last part?
Stuart: I’m a driving force behind Goshen’s first ever Collegiate League of Legends team. It’s a video game.
John: That sounds sexy.
Stuart: Yeah, that’s how most people respond.
John: I’ve noticed more girls stopping you on your way to class, is that somehow related?
Stuart: Yeah, at first I thought they just wanted tips on the game, but somehow they always end up giving me their phone number.
John: That sounds like such a bother. Let’s try to cover some of the hard-hitting issues on campus right now.
John: No… never mind… Um…I heard you run your own business, is that true?
Stuart: Yeah that’s right. I have my own hair cutting business, Stucuts. It all began as a small, on campus business venture. My slogan’s always been, “I’m cutting more than hair – I’m brewing a culture.”
John: Wow, I really like that motto! Is that original?
Stuart: Very. I also donate over one hundred percent of my profits to the Everence Sharing Fund.
John: You’re clearly a very caring individual with noble business efforts. I wish there could be more businesses as conscientious as you. Thank you for your time today; is there anything else you’d like to share with the Record?
Stuart: Not really, just that the freshman on our floor are being way too loud right now, and we can’t sleep.